Wake up at 7.30am even though you only went to bed 3 hours ago. Try to ignore the fact that you sort of need to poop while you squeeze your eyes shut and try to go back to sleep.
Two hours later, accept that you cannot get back to sleep. Get up. Poop.
Think to yourself “Oh, I don’t feel so bad. This day is going to be a cinch!”
Realize that the feeling in your tummy isn’t poop cramps any more, it’s the feeling of intense, echoing, cavernous emptiness. Try not to eat your roommates cheese while you wait for your friend to wake up for brunch.
Text your friend to wake her up.
Finally get to brunch at 1pm. Order all the home fries they have. Eat all the home fries.
Half way through your greasy meal, realize that your eyes were bigger than your appetite. And that you need to poop again. Poop in the diner toilets.
Leave the diner unsure as to whether or not you are actually done pooping.
9. Optimism, again
In the fresh air outside, feel like maybe you don’t need to poop again afterall, and that you could still, in fact, get on top of this day. Decide to go to a bar.
10. Extreme optimism
Order a cocktail.
Chain smoke cigarettes while you drink your cocktail.
12. Self loathing
As your body begins to hurt, fnd that you are not the smoke and alcohol machine you thought you were, that you are getting older, and that you also need to poop again. Poop in the bar restroom.
Relent to your heavy eyes, aching head and irritable bowel. Don’t even finish your drink and close your one-drink tab. Poop again before you leave the bar.
When you get home, immediately take off all your clothes, go straight to the bathroom, and poop naked. Enjoy the freedom of this release. Move about the house in a way that could be referred to as “prancing”.
15. Renewed optimism
Fold your laundry. Hey, maybe you feel great! Think about doing some work. Open your laptop.
16. Work on your night cheese
Think that maybe you should work in bed. Get in bed. Think that before you start working you should just look at some online shopping for a second. Look at online shopping for an hour. Think that you’ll just quickly check Netflix and decide what to watch later before you start working. Check out Netflix. Decide to watch an episode of 30 Rock before you start working.
7 episodes of 30 Rock later, give up. At 8pm, tell yourself it’s OK to go to bed in an hour, because tomorrow is Monday, and you need to get up early anyway. Do not put your pants back on for the rest of the night.