I Do Not Want To Jack Guys Off

Is there anything more ludicrous than a woman giving a man a hand job? I honestly think that being asked to pee on a guy is a far more reasonable request than being asked to jack him off. To me, masturbating a guy is akin to marching into the kitchen at a restaurant and demanding to cook your own eggs; it just doesn’t make any sense.

Why, in any right state of mind, would I want to put myself into direct competition with a master? With the one person who has been jacking that same dick every day (or however often guys masturbate, which I’m led to believe by television and frat bros is regularly and often) for the past 20 odd years? How could my wristy ever compare to the ultimate wristy, the one that has come from years of practice and intimate familiarity? There’s no happy ending here; just awkward, jerky disappointment.

I pride myself at being good at things. Cooking. Working. Talking. Socializing. White water rafting. But I am more than happy to concede on wanking – I will never be as good at wanking as the seasoned professional attached to the penis in question. I will always be a sub par wanker.

There are so many variables acting against me. For instance, my hand is always coming at that thing from an awkward angle. Whether I’m lying on my side or straddling from the top, I am coming from the opposite angle. I could always go big spoon, I suppose, and come at it from behind, but I’m small and the radius of my reach around is limited and besides, if a dude wants a disembodied hand jerking him off he’s better of sitting on his own hand for a couple of minutes before having a go.

The other weird thing about hand jobs is that every guy likes it different. I assume, once again, that this comes from unquantifiable hours spent trying all sorts of awful things like wrapping it in banana peel or whatever other culinary delights suit the action of male masturbation. (Sidenote: the banana thing is a true thing guys at my highschool went through an alleged “phase” of trying). Despite what popular media/porn might lead you to believe, you can’t just grab a dick and start pumping it like a steam engine–there’s a degree of finesse that is required that can be somewhat elusive.

There’s a disconnect, obviously, between wanting to give a hand job and wanting to be fingerbanged, and it’s annoying that “mutual masturbation” is a thing women’s “mags” encourage. Most guys are pretty shit at fingering, but I didn’t realize this until quite recently, when I started flicking my own bean on the regular. As a vast majority of women will not admit to masturbating–and even though a portion of them might be lying–it’s true that many have never, and may never masturbate (I have friends who don’t–which, even as a later adopter of self love, strikes me as completely batshit insane. Masturbation is revolutionary for a woman), so it logically follows that we generally crave the touch of hand on labia.

But the more you put vibrator to hole, the less likely it is that you’ll be gagging for a dude to give you his version of a flap slap. By that summation, getting fingered by a guy obviously has more practical value to many women; whereas for a guy getting jerked off by a woman it seems rather nonsensical, especially when the time could be spent on something he can’t do to himself. Like a blowjob.

Jerking guys off is clumsy and weird. It might be that after a protracted period of time with one partner, you can learn the ins and outs of wanking him perfectly. But for a first time, or even on a casual basis, I motion to ban dick wanking from all sexual foreplay, as an act that should well and truly be left to the professionals.

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