Thought Catalog

Things I Feel When I Miss You: An Open Letter To My Friends

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Dear Friend,

This is for all of you, I want you to share this sentiment and take from it what you see as belonging to you—because there are little pieces of what I’m about to say that you will see yourself reflected in, and some that you may not, although it really is all for you. For all of you.

I remember when we met. We were 6 years old and climbing trees; we were 13 years old and discovering boys; we were 18 years old and starting university, we were 22 years old and falling in love for the first time: whenever, no matter, we were just kids then. We still are, but when we met your eyes were definitely sparkling; I know because that’s what I remember most about meeting you.

And now, where are we? We’re older and further apart. Me here, you there, and her, somewhere else entirely. We’re strewn across this world without each other and Friend, it’s not easy without you. I look back on the photos of our last weekend together and I wish we could have had it in a way that wasn’t addled with all our fears and insecurities, our not knowing when we’d see each other again. We’re coming up on a year apart and still we don’t know when we’ll meet again.

It breaks my heart to think of you struggling there, because I know sometimes you do. I know things get hard and you feel alone. I know this because this is how I feel. And I feel like everything would very easily, very simply become better in a moment, if you could sit across from me, sipping your coffee, and reach out your hand to hold mine as my voice reaches fever pitch. I know that in my panicked crescendo, that look you give me, the way you sit by me, the way you touch me, would bring me silence.

Because Friend, you know. We know. We have that special comfort of love, wherein I can tell you, and you can tell me, in the most matter of fact of ways, how to make things better. You can be brutal in your opinions and your advice and yet that brutality is merciful, loaded with all the affection I’ve ever wanted in this world. I guess that’s how we know we love each other—because we’re not trying to protect each other, we’re trying to help each other be better. We don’t offer each other retreat, there is no asylum; instead, we stand by each other in battle.

Have I said that I miss you, my dearest? That we don’t talk nearly enough, but that I know when I need you, you will be there to absorb my tears because between us, time and space have become both limitless and meaningless. And somehow, the distance has made me love you more. It’s made me understand better that what we have—what us few are blessed with—is rare and impossible.

Now that things are difficult for me, I see they are for you too, and for her and her and her. Even though we’re so far apart, we’ve managed to synchronise our sorrows, and all call to each other at once, as if by some ancient conch that only we know the secret call of. All I want is for you to materialize by my side or I by yours. I want to be able to hold you and I want to cry the way I know I can only cry with you. I want all our brown hair to weave together until we can’t see through it, and then I want to fall back in laughter (because together there will be laughter).

Together we’re double. We’re double in strength. We’re double in sadness. We’re double in happiness. We’re double in love. We’re double in all the neurotic nuances that combine to make us who we are. We’re double in our insanity. We’re doubly tall and doubly wide. We’re doubly equipped to deal with all the nasty things that life throws our way.

You’re my sisters. You make me double me, and more: you inflate me in such a way that makes anything possible.

Everyday, from a distance, I am holding your hand even if you can’t feel it. I hope we will be together soon.

I love you is hardly enough, but I’ll say it anyway: I love you. TC mark

image – REJ

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    • 42

      tears. this was wonderful, describes me & my friends exactly. thank you, it was beautiful.

    • Anonymous

      One of the most beautiful things I have ever read. I teared up at my office desk. Thank you. I hope someday I write as beautifully as you do and am able to convey such emotions.

    • Piers

      thank you brought tears and smiles to my face!

    • Rizza

      Is that doubling in width bit about me? You bitch! Ps I’d say we probably talk more since we’ve been apart. Which part of this is about me, exactly? I’m going to write my own open letter to you. But as though your name is Kevin Klein. And it’ll be about how even though you were really shit in Wild Wild West you’re still my silver fox of choice.

    • http://www.facebook.com/indiangiver Amanda Mae Viers

      Kat, sometimes you remember what you lost when you had to give away the best deal you ever had. Thanks for reminding me of this bittersweetness. You are one of the lucky ones. SO few and impossible.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=612928768 Samie Rose

      See, Kat. You’re bad at being funny but you’re GOOD at this. This writing. This tragedy of youthfulness and growthfulness and fulness in general. Do this more. +

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=612928768 Samie Rose

      See, Kat. You’re bad at being funny but you’re GOOD at this. This writing. This tragedy of youthfulness and growthfulness and fulness in general. Do this more. +

    • Megan Do

      What are you trying to do to me, Kat? This essay literally brought me to tears at work. Thank you for writing this. Sending it to my friends immediately.

    • Megan Do

      What are you trying to do to me, Kat? This essay literally brought me to tears at work. Thank you for writing this. Sending it to my friends immediately.

    • courtney

      Going through a breakup and my best friend who is 3,000 miles away just sent this to me. I’ve always loved you, Kat, but now I love you even more. Thank you for being a friend through Thought Catalog. This essay hit home. I cannot say thank you enough. 

    • Lo

      yes.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=90500696 Kyle Baker

      Excellent.  Truth.

    • ALEX

      nice job kat

    • http://twitter.com/Tiggeruth Ruthy

      I can’t explain how happy and sad this makes me feel. It’s beautiful Kat. Thank you.

    • http://twitter.com/tannnyaya Tanya Salyers

      So beautiful, I cried!

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Tanya-Grenville/615115467 Tanya Grenville

      Beautiful essay…. this is probably one of the best/ most relevant things I have read in a really long time. I cried, I was happy, bla bla bla. THANK YOU Kat! Sharing this now. 

    • luckystar

      This is just amazing. I sent this to all my friends living away, and I cried. Thank you.

    • http://themagickunicorn.wordpress.com/2012/10/17/what-i-love-wednesday/ what i love wednesday « themagickunicorn

      […] 1. , 2. , 3.  , 4. , 5. […]

    • Thought Catalog

      Reblogged this on Slimy yet Satisfying..

    • Thought Catalog

      Reblogged this on FOR THE RECORD and commented:
      THIS.

    • Thought Catalog

      Reblogged this on Rainmearainbow and commented:
      To all the girls I love <3

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