The First Time You Fart In Front Of Someone You Like

Farting, from my perspective, is a totally natural thing that everyone does and shouldn’t be ashamed or embarrassed about. But mamma didn’t raise no fool—I am aware that a vast majority of people are both ashamed and embarrassed about farting, even though I’m not. I’m also aware that a vast majority of this vast majority are women, and moreover I am aware that most women only fart perfume and poop rainbows (everyone has to fart and poop OK, girls just do it prettier sometimes).

Despite all the farting and pooping of flowers and cute stuff like glitter and kittens, a lot of people feel uncomfortable farting in front of the person they like, or “grossed out” by the person they like farting in front of them. Personally, a boy’s reaction to my first shared bum trumpet will tell me everything I need to know about him. If he is accepting, we might have a future. If he laughs, man, are we going to have a good time. If he takes it as a queue to let one rip himself, that’s it, I’m falling in love. If he turns up his nose, says “ew” or any other form thereof, there is no future for us. Simple.

Farting has always informed the level of affection and intimacy in my relationships. The Great Love Of My Life, for instance, would hold me down when we’d be wrestling like puppies and fart on my face. He would also lead my other two male roommates in pre-planned ambushes that would result in them holding me down and taking turns farting on me. Don’t think I didn’t hold my own—they were all victims of my fart pillows, walk-bys and Dutch ovens.

I’ve had similar relationships with my brothers, the “come-over-here-and-look-at-this-crazy-thing-I-found… PSYCH! I JUST FARTED AND IT REEKS!” type that involves constant fart related punking of one another. This also includes swimming in the ocean and “OMG I-just-found-a-warm-patch-come-over-here… PSYCH! I JUST PEED! YOU’RE SWIMMING IN MY PEE!” and hiding in nooks around the house to jump out and terrify one another or cork each other’s legs. If you don’t have brothers, you’re not going to understand any of this, but then, I don’t have sisters so I don’t understand any of that.

No matter what your stance on farts, there will come a time in your relationship where you will fart in front of your partner. Hush now—you know I’m right. Try as you might in the early stages, you won’t be able to avoid it once you start spending every waking second together. THE AIR WANTS TO EXIT YOUR ANUS AND YOU CAN’T FIGHT IT FOREVER. If you do, you’ll die, or explode in one giant fart. What’s more is you can’t control sleep farts. So even if you’ve been successfully holding them in all day chances are you’re going to be snoring out of your asshole all night. YOU HAVE TO SLEEP SOMETIME.

What I’m trying to say it doesn’t matter whether you like farts or not—you’re going to have to do them at one time or another. My advice? If you’re with someone squeamish or you’re precious about your bowel movements, get on your pelvic floor exercises (clench that glut) and learn to control your windy excretions, or bring a dog with you everywhere you go and blame it on him. Or if you’re anything like me, just let it come when it comes, and hopefully you’ll get to laugh it off with someone so special they’re not freaked out by totally normal, natural bodily functions. And remember even if you think it’s gross, the best reaction you can ever hope for from your lover is, “good one, babe,” as they smile proudly in the aftermath of your butt bomb.