Thought Catalog

If I Could Tell You How I Really Feel

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Would it be better, if I could tell you how I really feel? If the next time your eyes met mine in the half darkness of a moodily lit bar, their reflection glowing in the whiskey inhabiting the glass between your fingers, I just said, “I want you to be mine”? Would it make me feel better, then, to have you reach your fingers across the table between us, and interlace them with mine while you gave me your response? Would I not shrink and die of the agonising embarrassment that comes with feeling (as if feeling were somehow less natural than breathing or sleeping)?

If I could tell you how I really feel, would you tell me you feel it back? Would it be the Hollywood happy ending that I’ve rehearsed in my mind, every moment since I met you? The rehearsal, so you know, just in case I ever do tell you how I really feel, goes like this:

I look down for a moment after I say the words (I want you to be mine), and for a split second I feel as though I’ve aged a hundred years. As I hate myself for the rashness of my verbal refuse, your brief moment of shock comes to an end, and I feel your breath against my cheek.

“I want to be yours,” you say, and my face rises up to meet your lips. You kiss me.

“I’ve wanted this all along,” I’ll say.

“I’ve wanted this all along,” you’ll say.

And we’ll laugh as we kiss, in an ode to our joint stupidity.

Or would you sigh heavily, upon hearing the words? Would you turn your face away from me, rubbing your temple with your thumb and forefinger, saying my name and letting it trail off because you don’t know what else to say… Would you be convoluted and ambiguous trying not to hurt my feelings as you told me you just want to be ‘friends’? Or would you just violently rip the hair from my forearms telling me exactly, precisely, that you don’t want to be mine in return?

If I could tell you how I really feel, would it make me a braver person? A better person? If I opened my Pandora’s Box, if I threw myself upon my sword for you, would I then wear the badge of valour? Instead of stuffing my feelings down my spine, past my bowels and into my knees, where they scrape between the hinges of my joints, I would pull them out like magic scarves, spewing from my mouth in unbroken succession. Then I would skin them, and with the skins I would make a coat (a fine coat) and parade it in homage to my courageousness.

If I could tell you how I really feel, would your response even matter? Would it just lift the emotional deadweight from my shoulders as I found relief in confession? Like a balloon deflating, I would drift slowly back to earth, limp and empty. If you said you wanted me too, would that be enough to reinflate me? Would I be equipped to deal with you wanting me too? I’ve grown so used to the status quo; perhaps your reciprocation would be more daunting than my silence. And if you didn’t want me, would I still keep up the pretence of our friendship? Would I still make the time to see you, knowing, unequivocally, that no great romance would ever happen between us? Would you be enough for me, just as you are, without the void where love would go echoing silence between us? TC mark

image – Helga Weber

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    • http://maintaining-equilibrium.tumblr.com Ella

      This is so beautiful and so true. It mirrors my thought patterns at the moment nearly exactly.

    • Guest

      I’ve been wanting to send my old friend an email for a while explaining lots of things. I may just send him this.

    • Anonymous

      I went through this dilemma not so long ago, and he is mine! Go for it. :)

      Loved this piece, Kat

    • http://itellstories.org Sameer Vasta

      Phew. Took my breath away.

      Beautifully evocative, and completely relatable right now.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

      ‘echoing silence’

    • Kavitadas

      Just beautiful! The final two paragraphs are painfully gorgeous!

    • Don't do it

      Went thorugh this and had to sit through his excuses as to why he couldn’t be with me. Painful, and not worth it. Now we’re not even friends. If he likes you he’ll let you know.

      • http://umcheckplease.wordpress.com umcheckplease.wordpress.com

        100% agree… If a guy likes you, you WILL know! He will unleash his inner caveman and go after what he wants. Nothing will stand in his way. I always adopt this philosophy when it comes to dating. It saves me a lot of time trying to decipher mixed messages that are really not so mixed at all. 

        • Jordan

          Yep, any woman who asks my advice on what to do about a guy, this is definitely in there.  The only reason for mixed signals or a lackthereof is if a guy just Isn’t That Into You.  I’ll give a pass, or an excuse to a shy-er guy who may not be great at sending signals or whatever, but even they will be doing SOMETHING, or you know if they’re shy or not.

          Any guy with a normal level of extroversion will let you know, and if he’s not, then he’s Not.

          But on the flip side, I always say go for it too :)

    • Brye

      So you’re not as vapidly self concerned as your last article, but aren’t we sounding a tad trite this morning?

    • http://twitter.com/tannnyaya Tanya Salyers

      Geeeez, get out of my head!!

    • http://www.facebook.com/iamahmad Ahmad Radheyyan

      Nope.

    • Craig Duncan

      Hi, I’m Kat George’s keyboard. Please don’t look at me that way–I know what you’re thinking. In terms of a utilitarian calculus I’m maximizing suffering with every input. Trust me, it’s just as painful for me as it is for you. Do you think I really want to be throwing up some half-assed fluffy bullshit like this? Do you think that I want to be the mirror image of what the Hollywood Culture Industry has crafted over the last few decades as a vehicle for creating flimsy half-baked narratives about  “Prince Charming” meeting her princess? No, I don’t. There other keyboards out there, ones touched daily by fingers whose movements are carefully crafted and highly imaginative, whose inputs signify something meaningful to the world, inputs that speak beyond and to the generation they currently inhabit; I call them the lucky ones. Me? Well, if I could tell Kat how I really feel let’s just say that she’d be giving me some much needed vacation time. Unfortunately, though, I think I’m in it for the long haul.

      As for you, when you touch your keyboard, please make sure you treat her right. I’ll be listening for your touch from a distance with feelings of remorse, jealously, and resentment–but most of all: with the hope that things, one day, might go better for me. Although, I have to say, things are looking pretty bleak.

      • Sharkbite

        Quit hating this article is beautiful. As a guy, maybe you’ve never felt like Kat has which is why you write her off, but she captures the feeling of unrequited love in a manner that is evocative yet relatable

        • Dan

          Herp derp stereotype men don’t have feelings

      • Anonymous

        That was harsh LOL

    • http://twitter.com/galette_rois Julian Galette

      Didn’t know girls went through this

    • Dana

      oh… i thought i was on livejournal. just another repetitive article from Kat on thoughtcatalog.com though. 

    • Dana

      oh… i thought i was on livejournal. just another repetitive article from Kat on thoughtcatalog.com though. 

    • 2134

       I would make a coat (a fine coat)…O_O;;

    • emmmm

      Can you stop writing diary entries and trying to pass them up as thought catalog articles… Please do us all a favor, open up Microsoft Word and type your depressing love stories in there. Your articles have become the facebook statuses that I hide. No one gives a shit. I can only speak for myself, but I come here for the funny, well written articles, or the ones where I can learn something new about a city or artisit. I used to enjoy your writing but now it is so self absorbed.

      • In Defense of Kat

        stfu. I like her entries. If you don’t want to read her writing, then as soon as you see an article is written by her click the back button. Problem = solved, jackass. 

    • JoshRom

      Thank you.  I enjoyed your writing, especially the scarves spewing from your mouth.

    • http://imageflip.shikshik.org/2012/09/22/really-feel/ Really feel | Imageflip

      […] If I Could Tell You How I Really Feel | Thought Catalogusername password. Sign-up | Google Map. Search. Most Popular. How do you really feel about him. Created By : kristenlovesaustin. Flag This Quiz … […]

    • Thought Catalog

      Reblogged this on Musings of a 20-something writer and commented:
      If only life wasn’t filled with so many ifs *sigh* If, and only if.

    • http://ofseaandwaves.wordpress.com Kimberly

      Reblogged this on Kimberly.

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