10 Types Of People I Do Not Trust

Disclaimer: This list is incredibly arbitrary and not a reflection on the way I feel about you, friend, if you happen to be any of the aforementioned and are currently reading this. I love you, and I trust you unequivocally… PSYCH! You suck.

1. Female vegans/vegetarians

Look, I’m not being sexist. I love women. I love women’s rights. I’m pro-choice. But I am a woman and as such I know that for one week of every month, without fail, my body will cry bloody murder for red meat, even though I’m not a big red meat eater. Women who claim to be vegetarian/vegan either can’t read their bodily signals or choose to ignore them entirely. Either way I think they’re being ridiculous; the female body is a very fragile organism with such a finely tuned set of needs that it actually goes out of its way to alert your brain when those needs are not being fulfilled. The woman who wont drive 45 minutes to the only open McDonalds in her town at 5am when her stomach threatens to suicide over an unrequited love affair with a cheeseburger is not to be trusted. Having the willpower to overcome her instincts would make her a formidable opponent in both war and sex games.

2. People who aren’t ticklish

Again: too much self-control is not natural. If I fondle your neck, underarms, lower back, feet or knee pits you better be rolling on the floor laughing hysterically, gasping for air, and nothing less. I once dated a guy who wasn’t ticklish and after a six month saga it turned out that he had a live-in girlfriend of five years, and that his grandfather hadn’t actually died but was alive and well somewhere in Black Rock. It’s a long story but the moral is when you meet a man, tickle him; if he doesn’t laugh my best advice is to kick him in the nuts and run away as fast as you can because he’s probably a massive dick (this counts for women too, don’t be fooled; it hurts when you kick a woman in the nuts too).

3. People who don’t have Facebook

WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO HIDE?

4. People with two first names

I know how this looks. Honestly, I do. But technically, TECHNICALLY, my last name isn’t George so back the hell up, Smuggy McSmuggle. In my mind, there are two reasons why people have two first names; firstly, because their awful stage mum wanted them to be a tennis player, so they’re literally trained to achieve and destroy from the moment they are squeezed from the womb (see: Dokic, Damir), which makes them frighteningly cutthroat. Secondly, it’s just sort of… weird. Do not trust the double first namer.

5. People who say ‘trust me’

My little brother always says this right before he’s about to  fart on or around me. Other people in my life who have used this line on me include (but are not limited to): cab drivers who don’t know where they’re going; street vendors in Spain who’s hotdogs inevitably gave me food poisoning; Greek people; cheating boyfriends; high school girls who were dobbing in Sally Whats-Her-Face for saying something about me that they actually said themselves; Thai guys trying to sell me leather (“same same, trust me!”); my Uncle Mark right before he puts his dirty socks on my face; Romanian gypsies (see below); talking butterflies.

6. People who don’t like fish tacos

Fish tacos are the best tasting thing in the world apart from bacon and feta cheese. I had a very disappointing experience recently when one of my favorite people ate half a fish taco before declaring that he hated it. It changed the dynamic of our friendship, but luckily he’s ticklish and has a regular name, so I cut him some slack. See also: people who don’t like the ‘taste’ of chicken (CHICKEN TASTES LIKE WHATEVER YOU PUT ON IT, FOOL); people who don’t like chocolate; people who don’t like ice cream.

7. People who don’t like Diane Keaton

Would you trust someone who didn’t like the most loveable lady on earth?

8. People who like Angelina Jolie

Would you trust someone who liked the scariest lady on earth?

9. Romanians who speak perfect English

This is not referring to my ex-boyfriend’s mother, I swear. In 2008 I was backpacking through Eastern Europe with my ex-boyfriend (a different one to the aforementioned) and we were trying to escape from Romania (‘escape’ is putting it lightly). We met some idiotic English girls at the train station who had met a Romanian man (gypsy) who spoke perfect English (the first person we had met 4 days who spoke any English at all) who had told them (in perfect English) that he knew where there was a bus that would take us to Bulgaria. Everyone else wanted to go with him and AGAINST MY BETTER JUDGMENT I went along too. This was the first time anyone ever took all my money and threatened to kill and rape me before rough-housing my boyfriend and spitting in his face which, at the time, looked like a head butt. It was also the first time I ever pushed a 7 foot Romanian gypsy man to protect a much smaller English man, told a Romanian gypsy I thought was going to murder me to “fuck off and die in a hole” and peed in my pants a little.

10. Adults that don’t know the difference between “you’re” and “your”

There comes a time in everyone’s life when it’s imperative to be able to make this distinction. People who can’t are obviously completely twisted; if you don’t care enough for the most basic of grammatical skills, you cannot be trusted. TC mark

image – Jing

More From Thought Catalog

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=612928768 Samie Rose

    Arbitrary negative comment so someone can call me a “Kat George hater” and then tell me “where’s your writing, then, you self-absorbed sycophant?”

    Seriously, though, I think this is a writing equivalent of the drunkest girl at the bar. She might be nice when she’s sober but right now she’s too loud, too overbearing, and too much a lot of other things. I want to like your writing, and some of it I think is alright, but a lot just feels forced and loud. If that makes sense.

    • http://twitter.com/jkymarsh J. Ky Marsh

      Nailed it. I’ve been speaking out against Kat for months now with very little support. She’s awful and desperately needs to stop.

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=612928768 Samie Rose

        I am just not a fan of incredibly self-obsessed writing is all. I don’t think writing about yourself is necessarily self-obsessed but.. I dunno, just think there could be a lot more.

        Like the part about the Romanian man. If that really happened, I am so sorry she had to go through that but I just cannot see anyone being so nonchalant if the situation was half as serious as it was. And maybe that’s just her way of dealing, I can’t presume to know. If that really did happen, I’d love to hear a real, emotional account of it instead of offhanded jokes.

      • Guesty

        She is the worst. Ok well Hannah Daly is the worst, but Kat George is right up there.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

    Jesus Christ, I had like… 4 fish tacos last night. Coincidence? 

  • http://twitter.com/galette_rois Julian Galette

    I like fish tacos and Angelina Jolie. And I say trust me all the time, mostly before I get people to do something where I’ve left out important details like the fact that there’s about to be a blizzard or that there will be police.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001702321197 Sasha Jones

    Shut up, everyone–this is great.
    (Except for the title of #10 because the “that” should be a “who”.)

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

      you stop writing

    • http://twitter.com/jkymarsh J. Ky Marsh

      Murder yourself.

  • http://twitter.com/CassieYoung22 Cassie Young

    2,3,5 & 10. Awesome.

  • Tammy

    I don’t trust people who writes list of people they don’t trust. Just sayin.

    • http://twitter.com/SophieZhao sophie zhao

      hear hear!

  • frbldrbl

    The opinions of a late adolescent girl who probably puts ketchup on everything; thanks TC – you get better everyday.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=612928768 Samie Rose

      Or worse, ranch!

      • frbldrbl

        ” Kat George has recently graduated from the putrid tan mixture of equal parts mustard and ketchup in the school lunchroom.”

      • Guesty

        But that shit’s so good with corn dogs.  

  • UhOh

    “Spain *WHOSE* hotdogs inevitably”

    • Guest

      awkward considering number 10…

  • UhOh

    “Spain *WHOSE* hotdogs inevitably”

  • Guesty

    ~fragile organism~

  • kat

    This post is funny if not taken seriously. 

  • Anonymous

    This isn’t funny because it’s lazy.

  • Mashka

    Um ok. Sorry I think this is seriously so relative to personal opinion and not even funny as satirical as it may be attended. Diane Keaton? Really? Peaked in Annie Hall honestly the last thing I want to see is another Diane Keaton romantic comedy where she’s wearing a full skirt with a wide belt and crying about having menopause.

    Also don’t trust Romanian gypsies that speak English? Ok. All Romanians are gypsies, didn’t you know? Don’t trust any Eastern Europeans, ESPECIALLY if they’re educated and speak another language they’ll probably rape and kill you.

    • http://somuchtocome.blogspot.com Aja

       The sad part is when you described full skirt with wide belt, I knew exactly what you meant.  You could also substitute that with pencil skirt and wide belt. 

    • http://imlikecocaine.wordpress.com/ Ana

      oh hey. come here, let me murder you, while I recite Shakespeare with a pretty accurate British accent.

    • Mashka

      oops. “as satirical as it may be *intended” 

  • http://dirtyyoungmen.wordpress.com Maxwell Chance

    FISH TACOS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Andrei

    at first you make the difference between romanian and gypsy, but the headline says that romanians who speak perfect english are not trustworthy. because somehow all romanians are gypsies. vampires, as well. i speak perfect spanish as well and i drink virgin blood. it’s not really anyone’s fault but yours that you would get in a car with a guy that promises to take you wherever. i’ve hitch hiked all of europe and nothing ever happened to me, so it’s gotta be you.

  • Joy

    Sometimes I like your writing, but mostly I just feel like you’re spitting out sub-par articles in an effort to match Ryan’s posting frequency. Hate to break it to you, but there’s only one Ryan O’Connell.

    • Chels

      but really though, WHY is everyone on Ryan O’Connell’s D? The reason it is easy for this girl to mock his writing is because his writing is not that truly complicated to mimic. 

  • breemeup

    Not a fan of the whole “women can’t be vegetarian” thing. But I guess I’m too much of a fragile organism to have a real opinon about it. ):

    • Guesty

      I thought we were supposed to be crying bloody murder for Ben and Jerry’s on that magical week.  I’m so confused.

  • Chels

    There are so many things that piss me off in this article, starting with #1 because I am a vegan. But I admit it’s funny and the argument you make about forgoing cravings is absolutely true, I do crave meat but I have something else in my conscious that supersedes that. 

    I’m not going to be an asshole about this because I know what you were going for, and I think you pulled it off. 

  • Guest

    People take some of these articles WAY too serious. Read them, enjoy them, and keep on living your life no biggie.

    This was FUN! I agree with you, Kat, in all of the aforementioned and have a J.Lo-ish body, two things I know you like/admire,  Marry me. 

  • a.

     “Bleeding Out Of Your Vagina Makes You Crave Meat (Both Kinds)”

    ohmygod.

  • Allen

    This should just be posted on your personal blog/Tumblr instead here. 

    • Damian

      I don’t think so. I like it.

      • Guesty

        That’s cuz you are an idiot

  • Damian

    Good article, I agree with this list

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=641216758 Oweinama Biu

    This was and is funny. Ya’ll need to lighten the fuck up. Jesus! You are NOT invited to the ice cream social because you’re a downer!

  • Anonymous

    I have never ever craved meat when pmsing. I didn’t even think this was a thing.

  • Anonymous

    I only disagree with number 1. I don’t crave red meat . . . ever. I crave anything else under the sun. AGREE about chicken.

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