10 Types Of People I Do Not Trust

1. Female vegans/vegetarians

Look, I’m not being sexist. I love women. I love women’s rights. I’m pro-choice. But I am a woman and as such I know that for one week of every month, without fail, my body will cry bloody murder for red meat, even though I’m not a big red meat eater. Women who claim to be vegetarian/vegan either can’t read their bodily signals or choose to ignore them entirely. Either way I think they’re being ridiculous; the female body is a very fragile organism with such a finely tuned set of needs that it actually goes out of its way to alert your brain when those needs are not being fulfilled. The woman who wont drive 45 minutes to the only open McDonalds in her town at 5am when her stomach threatens to suicide over an unrequited love affair with a cheeseburger is not to be trusted. Having the willpower to overcome her instincts would make her a formidable opponent in both war and sex games.

2. People who aren’t ticklish

Again: too much self-control is not natural. If I fondle your neck, underarms, lower back, feet or knee pits you better be rolling on the floor laughing hysterically, gasping for air, and nothing less. I once dated a guy who wasn’t ticklish and after a six month saga it turned out that he had a live-in girlfriend of five years, and that his grandfather hadn’t actually died but was alive and well somewhere in Black Rock. It’s a long story but the moral is when you meet a man, tickle him; if he doesn’t laugh my best advice is to kick him in the nuts and run away as fast as you can because he’s probably a massive dick (this counts for women too, don’t be fooled; it hurts when you kick a woman in the nuts too).

3. People who don’t have Facebook

WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO HIDE?

4. People with two first names

I know how this looks. Honestly, I do. But technically, TECHNICALLY, my last name isn’t George so back the hell up, Smuggy McSmuggle. In my mind, there are two reasons why people have two first names; firstly, because their awful stage mum wanted them to be a tennis player, so they’re literally trained to achieve and destroy from the moment they are squeezed from the womb (see: Dokic, Damir), which makes them frighteningly cutthroat. Secondly, it’s just sort of… weird. Do not trust the double first namer.

5. People who say ‘trust me’

My little brother always says this right before he’s about to  fart on or around me. Other people in my life who have used this line on me include (but are not limited to): cab drivers who don’t know where they’re going; street vendors in Spain who’s hotdogs inevitably gave me food poisoning; Greek people; cheating boyfriends; high school girls who were dobbing in Sally Whats-Her-Face for saying something about me that they actually said themselves; Thai guys trying to sell me leather (“same same, trust me!”); my Uncle Mark right before he puts his dirty socks on my face; Romanian gypsies (see below); talking butterflies.

6. People who don’t like fish tacos

Fish tacos are the best tasting thing in the world apart from bacon and feta cheese. I had a very disappointing experience recently when one of my favorite people ate half a fish taco before declaring that he hated it. It changed the dynamic of our friendship, but luckily he’s ticklish and has a regular name, so I cut him some slack. See also: people who don’t like the ‘taste’ of chicken (CHICKEN TASTES LIKE WHATEVER YOU PUT ON IT, FOOL); people who don’t like chocolate; people who don’t like ice cream.

7. People who don’t like Diane Keaton

Would you trust someone who didn’t like the most loveable lady on earth?

8. People who like Angelina Jolie

Would you trust someone who liked the scariest lady on earth?

9. Romanians who speak perfect English

This is not referring to my ex-boyfriend’s mother, I swear. In 2008 I was backpacking through Eastern Europe with my ex-boyfriend (a different one to the aforementioned) and we were trying to escape from Romania (‘escape’ is putting it lightly). We met some idiotic English girls at the train station who had met a Romanian man (gypsy) who spoke perfect English (the first person we had met 4 days who spoke any English at all) who had told them (in perfect English) that he knew where there was a bus that would take us to Bulgaria. Everyone else wanted to go with him and AGAINST MY BETTER JUDGMENT I went along too. This was the first time anyone ever took all my money and threatened to kill and rape me before rough-housing my boyfriend and spitting in his face which, at the time, looked like a head butt. It was also the first time I ever pushed a 7 foot Romanian gypsy man to protect a much smaller English man, told a Romanian gypsy I thought was going to murder me to “fuck off and die in a hole” and peed in my pants a little.

10. Adults that don’t know the difference between “you’re” and “your”

There comes a time in everyone’s life when it’s imperative to be able to make this distinction. People who can’t are obviously completely twisted; if you don’t care enough for the most basic of grammatical skills, you cannot be trusted.