1. Don’t cry. There is nothing worse than a naked person crying. As the crier, you’re bare, emotionally and physically, and there’s nothing more humiliating or difficult as baring yourself at your most vulnerable. On the flip side, for the dressed non-crier, what the fuck do you do when there’s a naked person crying in front of you? You can’t hug a naked person if you’re dressed; it’s weird and kid of creepy, especially if you get a boner. Plus they just look really fucking ridiculous. If it’s your lover you’ll probably always associate their naked body with tears, and unless you’re a complete sadist there’s nothing sexy about that.
2. Don’t squat. Have you ever seen a naked person squatting? Especially from behind? They just look poised to shit, and if they’re squatting maybe they are, in which case you should dump their naked ass before they do (dump, that is). Also, don’t ever ask your best friend to ‘stand guard’ while you squat-pee naked on the beach in Byron Bay. If that friend is me then she’s going to have a camera and she’s going to take a photo of you. From behind.
3. Don’t sleep naked.Does your lover have housemates? If the answer is yes then put on some clothes before you fall asleep unless you want to find yourself in a very uncomfortable situation. I know, I know—wearing clothing to bed fucking sucks, but you don’t want to be the guy who, disoriented, gets up and goes for a naked stroll to the bathroom only to run into my roommate. You also don’t want to have your naked tits and ass hanging out the side of the sheets when you wake up on someone’s living room floor and realize the voices you can hear are his dad and his dad’s friends who are having a coffee on their way out for their morning surf. Even if they are saying how nice your tits are.
4. Don’t forget your underwear.It’s all well and good to lean across to your lover at a dinner party and whisper “I didn’t wear any panties,” but the fallout almost always ends in public boners, unexpected gusts of wind and catching your pubes in your fly.
5. Don’t eat fried chicken.50% of people are turned on by their lover eating fried chicken while naked—50% are not. This statistic is real and true comes from field research conducted by me, undertaken by eating fried chicken naked in front of a range of lovers. If you’re anything like me, you don’t give a fuck what your lover thinks and you just want to eat the fried chicken. If you’d prefer the sex then I wouldn’t risk it, or at least politely ask first.
6. Don’t ask for anything.Don’t ask me for anal sex while you’re naked. Take me out for dinner like a gentleman at least. Your penis is difficult to look at in the best of times (I swear to God those things just stare at me, like the Mona Lisa, it doesn’t matter how I maneuver myself they’re always just giving me the eye), and it just gets a whole lot less lovable when it’s staring at me like that and you’re asking to stick it in my ass. Personality goes a long way, even for a penis. On the flip side if you’re really hot or have amazing tits and you ask for something naked (especially if you follow it up with oral sex) then you’re going to get a definite ‘yes’ which in reality (minus the nudity) is actually a ‘no’.
7. Don’t light candles.It’s self-explanatory. Also I wouldn’t suggest smoking while naked. You’re not Don Draper and you are going to get ash in your pubes. I’m just sayin’.
8. Don’t pass out in a public place.Even if you think it’s private—double-check. Once I met a boy in Rome who worked at the hostel bar and he took me to a special room (yep, the hostel staff had a sex room) where we fooled around and finally passed out. It turns out the sex room (or ‘mirror room’ as they so affectionately called it) was a storage room for backpacks while guests rooms were being readied—I woke up to 6 people standing around my naked, spread eagled body. The worst part was squeezing past my new friends through a doorway designed for Italian midgets. Walk of shame.
9. Don’t fart. If it’s during sex with me I will probably laugh uncontrollably and have to stop mid-act, at which point you will tantrum at my childishness, storm out of the room and lock yourself in the bathroom for the next half an hour. When you come back we can try again, but I’ll just remember the hilarity of the previous event and start laughing all over again. You will hate me and feel emasculated. I will realize how immature I am, promise you I’ll grow up, but know that I can’t kid myself and I’ll always find farting hilarious.
10. Don’t be shy. Let it all hang out. Being naked is the best—don’t put your undies and t-shirt back on straight after sex! Walk around the room! Tell jokes! Embrace your natural state! Be happy that someone else embraces your naked state! Be a naked bro! Enjoy your newfound freedom! Down with pants!