Celebrate ‘A Madea Family Funeral’ Movie Reunion With the 20 Funniest Quotes From the Comedy
By 
Josh Lezmi
Ever since Tyler Perry graced the screen as the stubborn, quick-tongued, unabashed matriarch Mabel Earlene Simmons — more affectionately known as “Madea” — in 2005’s Diary of a Mad Black Woman, we have been laughing and crying alongside her. The character may be a fan of tough love — whacking people over the head when they challenge her — but she shows up for those who matter. Her sassy retorts and confrontational disposition are merely her surface-level qualities; beneath all the layers of crotchety impatience lies an enviable maternal instinct, an empowering sense of self, and strength in the face of adversity.
Five years ago, on March 1, 2019, A Madea Family Funeral premiered. What was supposed to be a joyous family reunion in small-town Georgia turns out to be an elaborate sham — Madea and the gang find themselves attending an elaborate funeral that doesn’t go to plan. While trying to quote the bible during a time of sadness, Madea’s wisdom takes a left turn to the three little pigs and the big bad wolf…so much for Church every Sunday. To remember this film, one that was panned by critics (as is often the case), let’s look back on some of the funniest quotes from the movie.
“I am Madea. M to the A to the ‘damn right’… ’cause I’m right, and you’re wrong, so kiss my ass.”
“You mess with me, I’ll whoop your ass so bad, your clothes will come back in style.”
“Oh, I don’t wanna hear no more ‘Amens.’ I’m tired. I’m gonna say ‘amen’ one more time, I’m gonna be in the casket with you.”
“You gonna get your butt whooped and be baptized all in the same day. Won’t he do it? He will!”
“Oh, Lord, why am I still talking? The more I talk, the more I’m finna curse.”
“If you’ve got a problem with me, you better bring a snack, ’cause it’s gonna be a long time before you see me again.”
“I’m Madea, the judge, the jury, and the executioner. That’s a lethal combination, ain’t it?”
“I’m just a jacked-up mess, a Cadillac with a flat tire.”
“I don’t have a lot of years left, so I’m gonna get real comfortable with saying ‘no’.”
“Oh, Lord, that’s gonna be a big funeral. That’s a lot of meals to make.”
“I just had a sudden vision of a chicken trying to pick up a biscuit.”
“She don’t know her name half the time. Half the time, she don’t know mine.”
“This is not a conversation; it’s a monologue.”
“I’m getting too old for this. I ain’t got time to be playing ‘I Spy’ with the Grim Reaper.”
“You can’t ride two horses with one behind. And if you can, you need a wider saddle.”
“Don’t mess with me. I’m trying to keep Jesus on the mainline and the devil on the sideline.”
“I’m Madea. I ain’t trying to win no popularity contest. I’m trying to win an afterlife contest. And I will, too.”
“I ain’t got no patience for this. My tolerance done packed up and moved away.”
“I’m so mad, I could dropkick a rainbow.”
“The bible say: ‘yeah though she walked in the valley with the shadow of… Red Riding Hood and the three bears, she feared no evil cause the three little pigs was not around.”
