A Welcome Back Letter To My Depression

Dear Depression,

Don’t worry, I see you.

Not only do I see you, but I feel you crawling onto my skin. I feel you sinking into my muscles and clutching onto my bones. I hear your silence in the middle of the night as I wake up after another torturous nightmare and lay with my eyes wide open, until the sun comes out. I taste you in the endless cigarettes you make me inhale until my throat is too dry to have another.

I know that you’re back. I also know that you never actually left. You remained in hiding, just waiting for the moment I’d least expect you to attack. Creeping out while I’m in the midst of falling in love, standing in the middle of a dance floor, or completing a difficult chapter of my life.

You never come when I’m already sad, because that would be a waste of your time.

You always come when it’s most inconvenient. You challenge me when I’m unprepared. You pull me down after I’ve managed to climb mountains.

But, I have been here before.

And even though it has been hard to get up in the morning, I will not let you hold me down under the covers for too long again. I will drag my legs out from my sheets and plop my feet onto the cold hardwood floors. I will take my body that aches for no reason into the kitchen to pour myself a cup of coffee and start writing, even though every word I type seems to lose its meaning. I will still write, even if the message that comes out is darker than the black coffee that sits by me on the table.

And even though you have used food against me in the past, I will still eat. Even when the most decadent food tastes bland and I can’t seem to swallow anything but liquor, I will eat. Even when I have felt as if I’ve eaten far too much, because of the stress you brought upon me, I will still eat the next day.

And even though you whisper sweet words that compels me to stay indoors, I will step outside. The harsh wind will hit my face and make me think of how much warmer I would be in hiding, but I will still remain. Even when the sun is too bright against the darkness you have created in me, I will lift my head up to it and take in every ray of vitamin D to fight against you.

And on the days that you win–the days you keep me locked up in my room as time slips away and unanswered texts bring light to the screen of my phone, I will still try again. For every canceled plan, I’ll make another one. For the wasted hours of napping too long, I’ll start to get up earlier. For every negative thought that lingers in my mind, I will write down a positive one. And for every time I become angry with myself for falling into your trap, I will forgive.

So, I welcome you depression. I welcome you into my life, because every time you have entered it, I have come out stronger than before. Every time I fight against you, I feel it becoming easier and easier.

You may never leave, but I will also never stop fighting. If anything, I will embrace you into my arms and care for you. I will rock you back and forth while telling you everything is going to be okay. I will show you what it is like to be appreciated.

You will begin to see the lack of control you have over me and run off into hiding once again.

For now, I see you. I welcome you back into my life, but don’t think for one second that I won’t be going down without a fight.