My boyfriend annoys me!
My girlfriend annoys me!
What do I do?
When it comes down to it, people dump their partner because they are not happy about some aspect of them.
For example, a person might dump their partner because they are fed up of:
- An element of their appearance
- An annoying habit they have
- The type of people they hang out with
- Certain aspects of their behavior etc
When someone can’t handle the above issues in their partner …this is when a breakup is likely to occur.
But here’s the thing…
No matter who a person goes out with, there will always be some aspects of that other person that they don’t like.
What defines whether they will or won’t dump that person is how they handle these aspects of their partner that they don’t like.
How should these differences be handled?
When we see romcoms on TV, it’s very easy to fall into the idea of thinking that when we meet our perfect partner that they should be compatible with us in every way.
This can train us into the idea of thinking that we should never have to tell our partner that we are not happy about some aspect of them. If they truly are our perfect partner, they should just figure this out for themselves.
…AND this is not a healthy way to view a relationship.
The reality is that if something is bothering you about your partner, you absolutely MUST air that grievance to them. And visa versa.
If your partner has a problem with you, it is in your best interest that they air that grievance too.
And Here’s Why…
Assertiveness can prevent a breakup from occurring. Many relationships fall apart because one or both partners are afraid to assert their wants and needs properly.
And this leads to FRUSTRATION …BIG time.
If you let something bother you without trying to do anything about it inevitably leads to frustration. And when something becomes too frustrating, it can often seem easier to simply walk away than to try and deal with that thing that has become too frustrating to handle.
And this is where a breakup can occur …often seemingly “out of the blue” even though in reality it is something that has been festering under the surface for a while due to frustration.
Assertiveness Can Prevent This From Happening
However, if the person had been assertive and aired their grievances with their partner …this likely wouldn’t have happened.
Assertiveness can act as a safety valve to allow any pent of things that are bothering both you and your partner about one another to be released in a healthy manner …and in a manner that can lead to their resolution.
For example, a guy once contacted me about a problem he was having with his girlfriend. She had a very light mustache on her upper lip that was bothering the guy when he would make out with her. He was afraid to mention it to her in case it would hurt her …so he felt he had no other option but to break up with her even though he really liked her.
This is a classic case of how a lack of assertiveness can lead to frustration …and then to a potential breakup. If something is bothering you about your partner (and visa versa), it is critically important that that grievance gets aired …otherwise, a break might be inevitable.
Here’s what I advised the guy…
I advised him that he absolutely MUST air this grievance with her.
A few days later he got back to me thanking me for my advice because it turns out she didn’t get anywhere near as upset about the situation as he had been expecting her to. He also discovered that telling her about the problem he was having with her was ALOT easier than the frustration he had been enduring in trying to put up with it.
And while his girlfriend may not have liked having her boyfriend telling her that she had a light mustache on her upper lip …this was ALOT easier than having to deal with being dumped by him and never knowing why she was dumped.
A classic win-win situation. Rather than the lose-lose situation that would have resulted had not been assertive and aired his grievance.
Here’s what you need to do…
In any relationship you are in, you should make it clear to your partner that you value honesty.
You should make an agreement with your partner early on in the relationship that if something is bothering you about one another …that you should get that out there. You need to introduce an ethos of assertiveness into your relationship like this to prevent small problems from growing into bigger programs that eventually lead to a breakup.
Being assertive like this, is NOT about nit-picking every little thing your partner does. You will only ever want to be assertive like I’ve gone through in this article when MAJOR things are bothering one of you.
Opening Up Like This Promotes Intimacy
People who are not assertive tend to build up a collection of bad emotions within themselves …as a result of having their rights violated. This in time can lead to a sudden outburst of these bad emotions onto their partner.
Sudden outbursts like this are not healthy to a relationship.
If this happens numerous times over the course of a long-term relationship it can really damage the core intimacy of that relationship. This is why you need to be assertive and get any problems out of the way in a controlled manner.
The reality of introducing an ethos of assertiveness into your relationship is that it builds communication, connectivity, and understanding …which all ultimately leads to greater intimacy.