1. When you’re trying to flirt with someone, you’ll attempt to relate to the other person by expressing interest in their interests and end up losing a bit of yourself in the process. Oh, yes I love sportz! Like football, and basketball, and baseball, all of the above! My favorite part is when they score baskets!
2. As a result, you try and show more of your personality, end up overcompensating, and still don’t give an accurate representation of yourself. Yes, I have seen the Lord of the Rings films. In fact, I can speak the Elvish Sindarin fairly well, and I know some phrases of the Black Speech, but I think we both know it’s a bad idea for me to utter those…
3. Any movements you make while flirting seem jerky and unnatural, because you meticulously thought out every joint movement in your head, and forgot to factor in moving like a normal human.
4. There’s an unfair reality that the more you like someone, the worse you become at flirting. Oh, you’ve had a crush on that guy for ages? Watch in horror as you completely forget how the English language operates.
5. When someone else tries flirting with you, you’re so unfamiliar with what actual flirting looks like that you completely fail at picking up on it, and finally realize two days later that the Starbucks barista gave you a free muffin because they liked you, not because they accidentally made too many and were drowning in unsold muffins.
6. Since your in-person flirting skills are rather crippling to your dating life, you try and depend on flirting via text.
7. …. Which leads to you staring at your phone for an hour trying to figure out how to respond to their “Hey :)” text.
8. And then you finally respond, immediately regret every single character you typed, and hurl your phone across the room, as if breaking your phone will miraculously stop the text from sending.
9. Your friends try and give you big pep talks before you make an effort to flirt with someone, which ends up making you more nervous and awkward.
10. Then when you’re in the trenches talking with someone, you get so nervous that you forget to pay attention to what the other person is saying, and end up looking like you have no interest in them.
11. And even worse than that is when you’re so inside your own head, decoding every syllable they say and formulating a response, you don’t even realize that a solid three minutes of complete silence has passed, and the other person is looking at you like you’re a mental patient.
12. You’ve overanalyzed the sound of your laugh to the point that you’re not entirely sure what it naturally sounds like anymore.
13. Even your dreams (or really, your nightmares) star a stuttering version of yourself, struggling to carry an average conversation with Chris Pine.
14. To ease your nerves, you drink some liquid courage, but end up drinking a smidge too much and flirting like that creepy, swarthy uncle from your friend’s holiday party.
15. On more than one occasion, you’ve watched a friend successfully flirt with someone, and wanted to scream, “HOW DO YOU DO THAT???” But then an attractive person smiles at you and jasdfaiufnkasdjnf what are words.
16. You’re so unaccustomed to your flirting working, that when someone asks for your number, you stare at them like they’re insane, and sneak a peek over your shoulder to make sure they’re actually talking to you.
17. If a miracle occurs, and you manage to survive the flirting and enter into a relationship, you’re so excited, because THANK GOODNESS, NO MORE FLIRTING. THIS PERSON UNDERSTANDS MY QUIRKS AND DIDN’T RUN FOR THE HILLS.