1. The Rising From The Dead
You both emerge from the coma that sober people call “sleep,” and lock eyes across the room. No words are spoken, because you both know that neither of you can handle sound at this moment. You raise your hand in the laziest form of a wave, and both shuffle to the couch.
2. The Silent Suffering
You don’t cuddle like you normally would, because let’s be honest, neither of you smell fantastic. You just lie on opposite ends of the couch, half-dead and partially wishing you were full-dead.
3. The Half-Assed Recap
When you can both stand hearing sounds, you attempt to piece together last night.
–How much did we…?
–I don’t know. Did you…?
–Maybe? How did we…?
–Shhhhh this thinking is hurting my head.
4. The Quest For Water
You’re both thirsty, but neither of you want to trek all the way to the kitchen. You’ll both stare at each other with the best sad puppy face you can muster until one of you caves.
5. The Scientific Research
Must. Find. Hangover. Cure. Why do they all involve so much work?
6. The Pain Olympics
You both feel horrible, and wish the throbbing would stop, but there’s a small, masochistic part of both of you that makes you want to be the one suffering more. You’re whining at each other until you both realize you’re being ridiculous, but now it’s kind of fun! So you keep going.
–Agh. I feel like someone is just sitting on my head.
–You’re telling me. I feel like an elephant has set up camp on my cranium.
–Yessss. But, mine’s throbbing, as if someone is just whacking me over and over with a bat.
–Yep. My head feels like someone shoved me into a giant bass drum, and a crazed, psychopathic mime is just going to town with the mallet.
7. The Empathizing With Each Other’s Pain
Everyone experiences hangovers differently, and one of you is definitely the type that feels better once certain stomach contents have left the body in the less desirable direction. Once that person has emerged from this horrible-but-necessary process, the other is there, holding a paper towel and glass of water.
(That is, unless you’re best friends with Ari Eastman, in which case she will sprint as fast as her hungover legs will carry her away from you. She’ll probably even leave the apartment until all traces of gagging have disappeared. I mean, that’s only a vague theory though.)
8. The Real Recap
Your heads have recovered enough that you’re starting to remember what happened last night. You stop almost immediately when you start to recall the more horrifying aspects. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO WHY DID I DO THAT OH GOD.
9. The Denial Amnesia
If we say we don’t remember that happening, it didn’t happen right? RIGHT???
10. The Secrecy Pact
You both swear on your best friendships that under no circumstances will either of you ever speak of certain events from last night ever again. Ever.
11. The Intervention
You’re both well aware that you’re both lying, but for right now? UGH. WE’RE NEVER DRINKING LIKE THIS AGAIN.
12. The Hatred Of Absolutely Everything Except Each Other
Every semi-loud person that stomps past your door, every cheerful bird singing outside your window, you hate them all. AHHHH SHUT UP, BIRD. NO ONE LIKES YOU AND YOU’RE GOING TO DIE ALONE. And now you also hate yourself, because you yelled at a bird, and ouch, your head.
13. The Slow Walk To Recovery
You turn Netflix on, and leave the sound at a low hum. As each episode of Friends passes, you both start to feel a little better. You’re still both miserable, but having your best friend right there by your side, makes all the suffering so much more bearable.