This Terrifying Reason Is How I Learned To Stay The Hell Away From OKCupid

“What are you doing?” I somehow managed to ask without my voice cracking from the torrent of fear that had begun to mount in the pit of my stomach. There was another vaguely sinister giggle from behind the sofa and I silently chastised myself for not having pants on as I started toward the couch.

I could hear something moving behind the sofa as I neared. I was suddenly overcome by the sinking realization that I probably didn’t want to know what was waiting for me back there. I couldn’t help it, though. I had to look…

Of course, there was no one there. I crouched down to shine my flashlight into the darkness between the sofa and the wall to confirm this and then quickly bolted upright as more girlish laughter filtered out from the hallway behind me, followed by…

Oh, Joel-Joel-Joel… You’re bad at this.

As I started back toward the hall, I saw that someone had lit the scented candle I kept on the dresser in my bedroom, as evidenced by the flickering orange light that was now spilling out through the partially open doorway.

Warmer,” whispered a voice from my bedroom as I entered the hallway. As I reached my room, the first thing I noticed was a distinctly human-shaped lump beneath the comforter covering my bed. “Warmer…

I approached the bed and, after what felt like an eternity of bowel-churning hesitation, I reached a hand down and tore back the covers…

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