This Terrifying Reason Is How I Learned To Stay The Hell Away From OKCupid

So that’s exactly what I did, or rather didn’t do, when I saw Alabama’s number on the incoming-call screen later that evening. The call went to voicemail and about thirty seconds later, she texted me:

Hey handsome. How was practice?

For a moment, I debated whether it was okay to at least respond in text-form… a quick message that explained how I couldn’t hang out tonight so she wouldn’t think I was outright ignoring her… but then I’d have to make up a reason WHY I couldn’t hang out and either way, it would defeat the entire purpose of not answering her call in the first place.

My phone chimed as she sent me another text:

I spent all day thinking about that magic tongue of yours ;)

I shook my head at this obvious ploy to get my attention and quickly suppressed the memory of Alabama’s thighs around my head as I silenced my phone and went to bed.

I was awoken about three hours later, though at first the reason why wasn’t clear. Something was wrong; I could sense that much but it wasn’t until Alabama began to run her fingers through my hair that I finally figured out what it was. I felt my limbs go rigid as every muscle in my body suddenly tensed up at once.

Alabama’s soft lips brushed against my ear as she whispered, “What shampoo do you use?

“FUCK!” I screamed as I scrambled to my feet and flipped on the overhead light to reveal a completely naked Alabama lying in my bed.

She gave me a worried look as Alabama sat up and said, “What’s wrong?”

“What’s WRONG?!” I screamed in disbelief. “What the fuck are you doing in my bed?!”

“Nothing that you complained about last night.” Alabama’s tone was playful and she winked as she said this, as if she thought it somehow answered my question.

“How’d you get in here?!”

“You left the window in your den unlocked,” Alabama responded, answering in the slow matter-of-fact tone one reserved for only the stupidest of questions. “Why didn’t YOU answer when I called?”


“You told me to give you a call later and when I did, you didn’t answer. I texted you like ten times.”

“You need to leave! Right fucking now!”

Alabama’s smile suddenly descended into a confused frown. “Did I do something to upset you?”



“THIS!” I used both arms to gesture wildly at her lying in my bed. “ALL of this is upsetting me!”

Alabama’s frown faded and her lips tightened into a thin line. Sounding frustrated, she said, “Fine. I’ll leave.”

She quickly climbed out of my bed and began to collect her clothes. When Alabama was finally dressed, I walked her out into the den and then watched as she stomped over to the front door and yanked it open. She turned back to scowl at me as she started to leave and shouted, “And for future reference, don’t tell someone to call you later if you’re just going to ignore them when they do! It’s fucking rude!”



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