This Terrifying Reason Is How I Learned To Stay The Hell Away From OKCupid

Elisha raised a single eyebrow at me. “After he came, he told me he loved me.”

“WOW… Really? What did you say?”

“I said prove it and sat on his face.”

We both had a good laugh at this as the elderly couple at the table beside us abruptly got up and left. I sighed while watching them start towards their car as I said, “So what would you do in my situation?”

“I’d probably call her back…” Elisha’s devilish grin returned as she said, “But of course I’m not opposed to the idea of a dildo in my ass, so…”

“Well what would you do if you were ME and, you know, sans ass-dildo appreciation?”

Elisha thought for a beat and then shrugged. “It sounded like you were having a great time until you ate that DXM. I’d say give the girl another chance in a few days, once things have settled down and you’re not feeling so…”

“Disturbed?”

“Twitchy.”

“So I probably shouldn’t hang out with her tonight then?”

“TONIGHT? Jesus… when did Desperation Dan get here?”

“HEY, she’s the one who asked me what I was up to. I told her to give me a call.”

“That’s a bad sign. I don’t care how amazing she is at sucking dick. Any girl who wants to hang out the day immediately following the first time you hooked up with her is someone looking for trouble.”

“That’s not ALWAYS the case…”

“Joel, this bitch gave you DXM and carries around A STRAP-ON. The girl is cray-cray all day.”

“Weren’t you the one who was just telling me to give her another chance?”

“Hey, I never said crazy didn’t make for a good fucking. I DID however suggest that you wait a few days. That gap of time…” Elisha pointed at me and her tone became serious as she said, “It establishes an important precedent. You’re telling the other person that your shared sexual exploits, as enjoyable as they may have been, were not vital to your continued survival. Because everybody wants what they can’t have and absolutely NOBODY wants what they’ve already got.”

“You’re saying I don’t wanna seem needy?”

“Exactly.”

“And when she calls me back tonight?”

“Don’t answer.”

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