Method: Intrafemale (Pill, IUDs, NuvaRing, Diaphragm, Sponge)
Summary: She deals with it.
Commentary: Remember waking up to the smell of waffles and its distant kitchen chatter. It’s Sunday morning, and you are playing Super Mario Bros 3, each costume heightening your powers. You finally come downstairs, after her fourth patient call, and eat your stack of waffles while she does your algebra homework. Your father looks at you with envy and disgust. The morning sunlight, barely yet still slanted, portrays her nipples, as thick as bay scallops, in the least erotic yet loving way possible, the unconditional mammalian invitation to a milkshake which brings all the boys to the yard. She’s straight up lactating Oxytocin into beads of glistening milky diamonds. It’s going to be okay, just let go, into your very placenta golden as corned beef hash. Mommy will take care of everything. Be a child forever. Women are awesome.
Chance of pregnancy: 0.03 – 6.5%
Other factors: There are no other factors. This is the way.
Male pleasure: ★★★★★