Latest Posts

A Paranoid Account Of Google Ads

When my girlfriend handed my father a pair of size-9 UGG slippers for men, which she had endearingly bought him, he swiftly handed them back to her and said he’s a size-10, but that I was a diminutive size-9, pointing…

Anal Reflections

When kindred wails, it is our evolutionary impulse to go nearer, as if to choose between saving them, or getting a better view of their demise by which to commemorate them.

Contraceptive Methods Ranked By Male Pleasure

Method: Condom Summary: Sperm is thwarted. Commentary: Our general ambivalence with condoms is more than just sensory. It is existential, for the male has an anthropological imperative to inseminate his partner in order to propagate his genes.

Girls Gone Wild Scammed My Dad

Girls Gone Wild spent upwards of $20 million annually in direct-response marketing, mainly in late night 30-minute infomercials, whose demographic were idle middle-aged men near the end of their libido watching television at 2:00 a.m.

Open Letter To My Cat At Dawn

I have opposable thumbs, you don’t. I can open the cat food, you can’t. I know where Petco is, you don’t. I’ve read Ulysses, you haven’t. These are examples of me looking down at you on the evolutionary chart.

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