What Your Shoes Say About You
You buy vegetables at farmer's market -- carrying their ostentatiously exposed stems and leaves in an artistic canvas tote bag purchased at Etsy -- and render them into soup that day while listening to NPR solemnly address contemporary issues.
By Jimmy Chen
You got married three years ago, moved to a suburb, and became a member of CostCo. You haul back meat with a hunter’s pride. Your wife no longer finds you sexually attractive, pecking you under a swelling double chin. You have gained 28 lbs., are budding “man tits,” and have begun to enjoy romantic comedies unironically. Last week, you submerged an entire tater tot in aioli sauce and ate it, then repeated that 67 times. You and your wife — whose weight gain and resentment has accelerated yours — both love your daughter very much, on whose behalf you have mutually agreed to a sexless, platonically affectionate life together.
