I have, like, four giant bags stuffed full of makeup products. I’ve been into beauty my whole life. So trust me when I say that these are magical, groundbreaking, lifetime achievement award-winning products that WILL NOT budge, smudge or smear no matter how crazy your sexing is. (OK, that’s not a 100% watertight claim, but they are champions nonetheless.)
1. Make Up For Ever Rouge Aqua Rouge long-lasting lip color
I will not sugarcoat it; this stuff isn’t comfortable to wear. It feels like shellac, kind of. It’s drying and super-matte. But it IS kissproof and probably won’t come off when you’re giving a blowjob, unless it’s a really messy, slobbery one. (Hey, some dudes are into that.) You can wear it matte or gloss it up with the attached lipgloss for a porn star mouth. Red lips make men think about vaginas – it’s science.
2. MAC Fluidline gel liner
This WILL slip around a little on your eyes, but that’s good. Because then you’ll wake up in the morning looking all sooty and sexy, and ain’t nothin’ wrong with that. But as far as liners go, it’s dark, easy to apply and can be drawn on precisely with an angled brush or smudged with a fingertip. It’s the best complement to a smoky, “bone me right here” eyeshadow look. Bardot would totally wear it if she were a celebrity hottie nowadays.
3. Urban Decay All-Nighter setting spray
Want your face to stay put when you’re getting all hot and bothered, from dance floor to alleyway to bedroom? Spritz it with this genius setting spray a few minutes after you’ve applied your entire face and it’ll help hold that makeup in place for hours. It ain’t gonna shellac your face on and keep it from rubbing off on a pillowcase, but it will extend the life of your oh-so-carefully done-up “fuck me” eyes.
4. NARS blush in Orgasm
Gotta spend your money on blush. This one isn’t cheap but it does beautifully mimic the post-O flush. There’s a reason it’s legendary. Deep Throat is legit too – and the names are definitely gonna get your dude thinking about boning if he sees it on the bathroom counter. Flushed cheeks signify sexual excitement and arousal. It’s very primal stuff, makeup is.
5. Lancome Hypnose Waterproof mascara
Wait, you HAVEN’T gotten watery eyes from trying to deep throat a big dick? Your mascara HASN’T run when that stupid dude shoves your head down on his dick? I hate when they do that shit. Knock it off, psycho. This stuff will stay ON your lashes, no matter how much you gag. And then you’ll wake up looking bright-eyed and ready for him to return the favor. Which is really the point of oral sex, isn’t it?