I am so not a fan of small talk. I have never kept my mouth shut just for the sole reason that I had just met someone. Meaningless conversations to fill in the gaps of silence just prove the lack of chemistry. I refuse to think that 23 years of encounters lacked that. I refuse to think that the universe didn’t align me with a certain person in a certain period of time for a certain reason.
It doesn’t matter if it’s a mistake or if you’ll end up hating yourself weeks later when you’re drunk and wondering why you’re going home alone. Skip the small talk, be nosy, as about life and the hard stuff. Are your parents still together? Why do you live with your dad if you don’t like him? Do you ever like not want to do ‘this stuff’?
There are so much more worse things you can be than the girl who talked too much. It isn’t a crime to want to know why people are the way they are, or to want to change that– it’s human. Showing up to a crowded bar alone and being the closest thing to silent is bound to draw some attention. Forgive yourself for being one of the only people who noticed.
Everyone else is generally too self absorbed. Most people don’t know a good soul when they see one, much like you don’t know a rotten one. So tell them everything, no harm, no foul.
Tell them how you can help them and that it’s possible to grow from your mistakes, you’ve done it. Tell them how your past doesn’t determine who you are and it doesn’t matter if the whole world calls you crazy. Gentle souls don’t need to be treated as anything but that. Tell them that pride is a demon that will kill you faster than any drug– put it away and change your life.
Don’t think about tomorrow for once but tell them you know exactly what it’s like to be betrayed because you do and you also know not to settle for anything less. Everyone is worthy of someone who is honest with them. Stop worrying about what they want– do what you want, and if spilling your guts to someone for one night is going to lift your spirits a little just do it. Be as open and as honest as you’ve ever been.
You’re feelings are valid whether you’re drunk or high or just submerged in the sadness that’s come with your life just recently- but know that it will pass. Remember that everyone deserves the truth.
Prepare yourself for Friday night 4am conversations when you have work at 8AM and songs that will remind you that you can break the rules if you’re safe and know when to call it quits. If you forget when that is, forgive yourself but do not forget to give them the cold shoulder. You were honest. They were not. Those who are not honest with you don’t deserve the truth. It’s a beautiful thing that you always give people more than they deserve, so forgive yourself for that too. Find grace in losing yourself because you will never be able to go back and change what you did. It’s not so bad. Find grace in losing yourself for someone else.
Even if it is another lesson in your series of unfortunate events, let it be one that you never forget.
Small talk is a waste of time.
Small talk allows for shallow encounters. Refuse it.
If you’re going to fill the silence, fill it with meaning. Who cares that he broke the rules. Who cares that you got along “so well” for a few days. You abandoned your morals for someone who you barely knew — but you were so raw and honest. That’s admirable, that is the thing that someone will fall in love with one day. Someone you don’t have to fix, without a tainted past and the type of persona that reminds you of being 20-something and the wildest you’ve ever been.
Because one day, you won’t have to be. You will be full and happy and you won’t have to escape the life you live. The void will be filled and someone will come along and they will not only let you feel what you need but they will let you do it on your own terms. You won’t have to write about them because they will listen enough when you tell them.
One day you will sit around with wine and good friends who wish they could’ve been there to watch your babies grow up and help you study and say “maybe we should stay in tonight” and you will watch a movie and laugh at each other when you cry at the sad parts.
They won’t let you keep trying to pour from an empty cup.
Filling the silent gaps with drugs and trips to the bar and troubled boys isn’t what they meant when they said focus on you. It isn’t what they meant when they told you to move on. You don’t have time for small talk. Fill in the gaps with kind words, a polite hello or i’ll see you later if that’s what it’s come down too. Trips to the park or the beach without mimosas or getting behind the wheel. Walk where the only thinng you’ll hear is the ocean. Go for a run without cigarettes and enjoy Sundays studying on your bed. Ignore the local bar where you’ll lose yourself for people who don’t care how you’re doing the next day. Those girls look so dumb, you’re always thinking it — don’t be like them. Be brave and be smart and and raw.
Leave the small talk behind you, and fill in the spaces with what you love. 
