What we say: “I have soooo much work to catch up on. Like, I’m buried.”
What we mean: “I’ve successfully avoided carbs for the last 4 days and I have a ravenous, uncontrollable need to put an entire pizza in my face in glorious, shameful solitude. I would invite you but then you might eat some of my pizza.”
What we say: “I got a flat tire / locked my keys in my car. No, don’t come rescue me. I don’t know why. Just…don’t. I’m fine.”
What we mean: “There’s absolutely no possibility that I’m putting on pants. I think I’ve become temporarily allergic to pants.”
What we say: “I think I might be getting sick. Don’t think I’m gonna make it out tonight.”
What we mean: “Binge watching a show on Netflix is more important than our friendship and I’m not even sorry.”
What we say: “I’m definitely getting sick. Like, evil toxic death plague.”
What we mean: “I’m going to be binge watching Netflix for the next several days too.”
What we say: “I totally forgot but I’m supposed to have dinner with my parents tonight!”
What we mean: “I remembered something I would rather do than hang out with you, but I don’t want to tell you I’m sick in case I accidentally forget later when I’m drunk and Instagramming clearly from out in the world. Let’s just both pretend I totally went to that bar with my parents.”
What we say: “I have to get up really early in the morning.”
What we mean: “I really was planning to leave the house and be a normal, functioning member of society tonight, but then I sat down on the couch for 5 minutes to “rest” before my shower (that’s a real thing! Showers take a lot of energy!) and Hoarders is on and I’m pretty sure my body is literally incapable of movement that doesn’t involve the remote or the walk to the kitchen.”
What we say: “I’ve been going out way too much lately. My bank account and liver both need me to stay home tonight.”
What we mean: “I really have been going out a lot and do honestly need a night to recover and rest. Between all the recent events and all the upcoming ones, I’ve selected tonight’s plans with you as the most expendable.”
What we say: “My roommate is having an absolute meltdown crisis about her job/breakup/whatever. I would be the most terrible person ever if I didn’t stay home and comfort her tonight.”
What we mean: “My creepy shut-in of a roommate is actually not home for once, so I plan to walk around naked/have loud sex in the kitchen/generally enjoy the absence of their weird vibes. I cannot waste this precious moment.” 
