6 Things You Must Have To Have A Perfect Body

Considering the perpetual fluctuation of beauty standards, it can be hard to know exactly which parts of your body to hate for not conforming to the most current set of physical ideas. Who can keep up with whether we’re supposed to want a tall, bony body, or a big, juicy ass? Is it hot right now to be pale and ethereal, or super tan?

So I’ve decided to make it simple: Below is the list of the only 6 qualities your body needs to have to be considered perfect. As long as you have these things, you can officially let go of any concern about the appearance of other, less important parts of your body. Those details will always be a little wonky, and are going to change a lot over time anyway, so what the fuck is the point in attaching too much of our self-worth to what they look like right now? The things on this list are what make you human. This is how you live and feel. It’s complicated and sensitive and full of electrical impulses and it’s all unbearably sexy.

It fights illness

Whenever heinous viruses or toxic bacterium violate you and make you feel gross and wretched, your body goes into beast mode and destroys them, all while just laying on the couch watching True Detective. And soon, your body is back to doing it’s usual rad business. Watching a body tackle disease and bounce back to full strength is like watching a hot guy rescue an old lady from peril. Like, okay, I’m impressed and turned on. You win.

It breathes

At any given time, your chest swells and contracts, your ribs pushes in and out with perfect rhythm, pulling in the air that gives life to your blood, stimulating your ability to think and feel, and then it forcefully, mercilessly pushes back out what you don’t need. Your lungs make air its bitch. It’s fucking hot. How is it possible that we spend so much time fixated on the size and shape of some useless lumps of fat sitting on top of our lungs, when there is something so visceral and powerful happening just below that. If anyone ever tries to say something bad about your boobs, just look at them like they are sad and misguided, like, “If being that close to my lungs doesn’t turn you on, I don’t even know what life you’re about.”

Its heart beats

I know, I know – it’s cliché to be into muscles but I can’t help it. I’m a sucker for a strong, throbbing heart. It doesn’t get tired. It can go all night, and is still ready to pump in the morning. And it does so many little tasks at once, all the time. Muscles, stamina, and the ability to multitask? I’m into it so hard.

It turns food into energy

You eat some stuff, which is awesome and hardly a chore. And afterward, your body just runs with it. It chops it up, breaks it down, sucks all the energy out of it, and distributes it throughout your body, exactly where it’s needed. You get to just sit there and eat and then your body uses that to keep you alive so that you can eat more. If you don’t consider that perfect, I’m not sure I’m onboard with your priorities.

It has skin that holds everything together

We hate on our skin so much and I’m over it. Skin is doing a goddamn fantastic job. It’s probably the sexiest thing bodies have going on; it’s the conduit of touch, and the recipient of external stimuli. If you have skin that is capable of feeling things, your body is already mind-blowingly perfect. Also, it keeps all of your internal junk in there, and you would be a real mess if it didn’t. So many stop talking so much shit about your skin because it’s wonderful. Your skin kicks ass. It’s like a reusable shopping bag for all the guts and stuff your mama gave you.

It has a brain

The only non-amazing thing our brain does is obsess about some dumb bullshit happening on the outside, far more useless parts of our bodies. Oh, your hair isn’t as shiny as you want? You have a zit? In what weird world do we spend our time caring about that inconsequential nonsense when we have a lump of jello in our skull, just sitting there, firing off electrical impulses, doing things so unspeakably complex and magical that we still don’t even understand everything about it. What is wrong with us that we haven’t replaced “Girl, lemme see that ass” with “Baby, let me see your brain do something.”