Sometimes people need help seeing their own fate. There’s nothing wrong with giving them a little nudge.

Threats

Part of any new relationship is learning what’s important to the other person. Not only will paying attention to this information help you to understand who they are and where their priorities lie, and help you be a more sensitive, aware companion, but it will make it a fuck ton easier to threaten them into staying with you should they ever foolishly decide to leave you. It’s not that you want to hurt them or anything/one they care about; you simply know that the two of you are meant to be and, since maybe you see that more clearly than they do, you’re willing to do what you have to do make them stick around until they finally get that you’re soul mates. You aren’t actually going to kill their dog – but if they think you are, they’re way less likely to break up with you.

Drugs

People love drugs, so if you give them drugs, their heavily altered brain might accidentally think it loves you too. Can’t hurt, right? Find out what their chemical of choice is, and drain your savings to supply it. You can probably get them into the habit of giving you three sincere-sounding compliments (you know they mean it; they just aren’t good at communicating without a little incentive is all) or saying “I love you” before you hand over their fix. Joke with your friends that your beloved is “addicted” to you.

Also, drugs

Just, like, slip something in their drink. Not enough to incapacitate them (you’re not a monster, for fuck’s sake), just enough to make them all mushy and agreeable. Just sprinkle a pinch of roofie into their morning coffee and watch that shit build up in their system over time. You’ll have a wonderfully willing partner for life.

Fake pregnancy

#Classic! And for good reason. If you start to feel a weird distance between you and the object of your affection, just tell them you’ve come down with a case of the babies. You’ve undoubtedly got their undivided attention for at least a few weeks until your period/”miscarriage”.

Guilt

You know what really makes someone want to stick around and love you long-termsies? Repeated reminders that, should your relationship with them go wrong, that’s it for you. You’re done. You’re giving the fuck up on love after that. If this doesn’t work out, nothing ever will. That awareness that your happiness forever rests on their love will keep them by your side forever. Extra credit: Make subtle implications that you would probably kill yourself if not for their love.

Lie

The only thing better than finding someone with whom you actually share common interests, values, and goals, is to find anyone at all and feign perfect compatibility with them. If you want someone to love you, then the only unchangeable thing about you should be your ability and willingness to be a complete relationship chameleon. Oh, they’re Jewish? Either say you are, or strongly imply that you’re open to converting. They’re into Korean food? Fuck, that shit is your shit. They’ve always ultimately thought they would end up settling down in Northern California somewhere? That’s insane. You were literally just telling your best friend that that’s what you want. Unreal. Follow up every faux coincidence with a coy, somewhat surprised, meaningful but mysterious, brief moment of eye contact.