- If you are careless with a pie, and you break the pie and it dies, you can just replace it.
- Potato chips don’t give you a judgmental side-eye when you turn on your 8th episode of a show of the day on Netflix while rejecting a call from your mom.
- If you fall asleep with a half-finished pizza in your bed, it doesn’t steal the covers.
- Sub sandwiches don’t subtweet.
- Pringles are amazingly consistent. You always get the same thing, so you’re never disappointed. There are literally no humans who are that dependable.
- Bagels don’t talk shit behind your back.
- Brownies don’t post 87 engagement photos on Facebook that seriously look exactly the fucking same.
- Fried rice doesn’t expect a Valentine’s Day present, or a birthday present, or Christmas, or anything except to be eaten. That’s all it wants. That’s all you want. You and fried rice share the same dream.
- Cupcakes don’t cut you off on the highway.
- Sushi never told you repeatedly that it was over its ex even though it totally was not over its ex.
- French toast never texted you for like a week straight and acted really interested in you but then completely ignored you in person.
- A burrito won’t “accidentally” delete the new Parks & Rec from DVR before you watch it.
- Oreos won’t let you pay for lunch every time you hang out and always promise to “get it next time”.
- French fries don’t ever ask you what your plan is after grad school.
- No one’s boyfriend has ever been stolen by a Pop Tart.
- Popcorn doesn’t talk during the movie.
- Tacos don’t get pissed off if they see you eating another taco.
- Smoothies don’t pick fights with you that bring out your worst traits and make you question if you’re turning into your mother.
- Pancakes would never tag you in an unflattering picture that they only uploaded because it’s a cute picture of them and not give a shit how bad you look.
- Bacon doesn’t get skip dinner because it thinks it’s gained weight, then drink on an empty stomach, get way too drunk, puke and get a little of it on your top that you just bought, and then make you listen to “Royals” like 18 times before passing out on your couch. Bacon would just never do that to you.
