Thought Catalog

The Thinking Woman’s Guide To Threesomes

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There was a time when sex with more than one partner at a time was considered a nasty cesSTDpool of sticky, patchouli-scented nonsense. Or something girls did with their coke dealers when they were low on cash. Regardless, group sex was not typically thought of as something that intelligent, educated, well-adjusted women of the world willingly did because, ya know, they just wanted to. Obviously, this kind of blatant, judgmental retro-sexualism is tired and sad now. I’m of the belief that we should pack up all antiquated sexual hang-ups, put them in a box with any leftover Adam Sandler DVDs we haven’t destroyed yet, leave them in 2012 for the Mayans, and head into the next Age with heads held high and vaginas unfettered by shame.

If you’re like me, one of your first steps outside the traditional sex realm — either in practice or fantasy — is threesomes! Yay! Threesomes are so magical based on the fact that they’re simultaneously in a completely different league than one-on-one sex (all those extra body parts are a real game-changer), and they’re reasonably attainable for entirely mortal, non-porn stars like you and me. Well, maybe you’re a porn star. But I’m not. And I’ve had threesomes, each of which turned out shockingly well — they were exciting, enlightening, drunk, blurry, electrifying… everything you could want from your first (and maybe only) foray into group sex. And I somehow kept my emotions, self-respect, and friendships fully intact. I know. I’m a goddamn hero among women. Allow me to drop some wisdom on you.

Be the guest star. Part of the reason I’ve found my threesome experiences to be so fulfilling, both vaginally and spiritually, is that I didn’t have that much at stake emotionally. Yes, the others involved were my pals. Yes, if things had become weird between us afterward and we were no longer friends, I would’ve been really disappointed. But I would’ve been “drifting apart from non-lifelong friends” disappointed, not “breaking up with boyfriend” disappointed. I can only imagine, since I’ve been smart / lucky enough to only be the special guest, but I assume it’s way better to be the sexy stranger, with fresh genitals and no emotional baggage, who comes in, passes out orgasms, and promptly floats out in a cool breeze that smells like freedom and inconsequence. The other two get to sit and wallow for a while in the tense, unspoken “what does this mean”-ness of the post-coital moment. Even if they’re truly that kind of liberated couple for whom seeing each other’s wet places grinding on a hot a piece of strange doesn’t tangle up their heart strings, they still have to deal with going back to the monotony of being a twosome. Not you, baby. You’re out of there and onto the next adventure, like not having to compromise on where to eat lunch. Bottom line: when there’s no one around to accuse you of “liking it a little too much,” you are free to like it as much as you want.

Don’t plan it, even if you know it’s coming (heh, “coming”). Even if the pre-threesome, ‘”this is totally gonna happen” tension has been building between you and your favorite friends for many a drunken outing now, I swear to god I will personally come punch you in the tit if you dare say it out loud. Because it will be utterly, irrevocably ruined. Premeditation is what takes a group sex experience from “wild, loving, bohemian expression of youthful willingness to indulge in an utterly beautiful, free moment of a hot, midsummer’s spiritual connection between (probably drunk) friends” to “sadness-scented craigslist ad.”

Don’t have feelings. Except for those that lead to erections and platonic bonding. Get #realtalk with me for a minute: if you have the kind of vajay that likes to slip a promise (cock) ring around every piece it lays under, or if you’re already pining in the heart for one of the slices of bread you’re about to become jelly between, just say no. You know this already, but allow me to be the friend who states the obvious: this will end badly. Scenario A) You bone them, the object of your secret affection doesn’t realize they’re in love with you at the sight of your nipples, and you’re sad. Or scenario B) You bone them, he/she does realize your genitals hold the key to their true romantic happiness, they leave their current girlfriend in a heap of tears and condom wrappers, the two of you are happy for about five minutes until the guilt slowly prods one of you closer and closer to “listen, I can’t do this anymore” and then you are still sad. And probably down two friends.

Do joke about it afterward. If you’re friends with your copulatory cohorts, and you’re all savvy and self-aware enough to have survived The Deed with your relationships intact, then absolutely feel free to talk and joke about it afterward and henceforth forever. Maybe it’s something you let others in your circle know about, or maybe you keep it your fun secret. Either way, allowing embarrassment, guilt, or awkwardness to creep in on the issue as time goes on is a dynamite way to retroactively ruin the experience. You can’t control other people’s level of weirdness, but if you stay lighthearted about it, the whole experience can be made even sweeter and sexier — a threesome can either become that “thing that happened that you don’t ever mention that silently strains your friendships until you just stop calling each other,” or a fun, fond memory the three of you share. Your call.

Condoms. Some sex laws are universally applicable, and this is one of them. I don’t mean to condescend. I know you’re smart and worldly enough to never lay bare your orifices without a latex security blanket (outside of a fully tested, vested, monogamous situation, naturally), but in disorienting flurry of surplus boobs and penises and whatnot, it can be easy to forget that this isn’t the Age of Free Love, you spritely little hippie biscuit. It’s the 90s! (I’m never going to stop saying that.) We know better. All the little soldiers in the room get helmets. TC mark

image – Wagner Pina

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    • Michaelwg

      Where have you been all my life?

      • Jake

        sammiched between 2 dudes, probably

    • Anonymous

      Why stop at three?

    • http://kurtvonnegutplayssonicthehedgehog.blogspot.com/ JWG

      threesomes are super stressful, except in the rare instances that they are awesome

    • http://twitter.com/franklinveaux franklin veaux

      I’m a big fan of group sex, and have been ever since I first discovered sex. Honestly, I think that much of the advice in here is terrible.

      Don’t plan? Seriously? Some of the best group sex experiences I’ve ever had were planned out in advance. In fact, I can’t imagine hopping into bed with someone without talking about it first. What, is this still 1940? Are we still so ashamed to talk about sex that we think having a reasonable conversation about it will somehow ruin things? Where does that idea even come from?

      Talking about sex is awesome. It means there are no unspoken expectations lying there for people to trip over. It means there are no unvoiced assumptions ready to turn into a yawning pit of recrimination and resentment.

      Don’t have feelings? Sex is better when it’s with people you’re close to. If I’m not ready to invite someone into my heart, I’m sure not going to invite that person into my bed! When you start with a foundation of warmth and trust, communication is easier, and that makes sex better. On the other hand, when you invite a random person into your bed, then you can reasonably expect to end up with a random set of communication and interpersonal skills, a random collection of hangups, a random heap of unvoiced expectations, a random set of motivations, and a random potential for drama. Sure, things MIGHT work out, if you’ve rolled the dice and gotten lucky, but it’s not exactly the best way I know to help guarantee a good experience.

      Yes, talk about it. Communicate openly and without shame. Don’t worry about feelings. Having feelings is not what gets you in trouble; it’s attaching expectations to those feelings that get you into trouble.

    • Aglorios

      You are such a hero!

    • http://www.oneyearintexas.com Perfect Circles

      First and only time I’ve ever had sex was a threesome.

      • Aria

        Should I be impressed by this or…?

        • http://www.oneyearintexas.com Perfect Circles

          You were there.  Were you impressed?

      • beatrice

        How was it

        • http://www.oneyearintexas.com Perfect Circles

          still happening, I’ll let you know when it’s finished

    • alexis

      As a thinking woman who has had more threesomes than need to be discussed- I have to respectfully disagree with your “advice.” Communication is definitely key for sex-positive “enlightened” young women. Also how sad is that the assumption is the couple wallows in a post-coital what does this mean-ness? If that’s the case the couple should probably do some serious thinking and communicating of their own, and you as the guest may want to be aware of what havoc you could be heaping on your friends as you “pass out orgasms.” I love Thought Catalogue and you’re super funny usually, but this advice that masquerades as progressive concerns me and perpetuates unconventional sex (more than missionary with more than two people) as taboo. Please women- have feelings, have thoughts, communicate them, guest if you want, be a series regular, bring it up with your partners, but please make it something fun for all involved not just you as you breeze out thinking you are consequence free.

      • Anonymous

        Yeah, I wrote something that covered all of that too. But it was called the “The Over-Thinking Woman’s Guide to Threesomes” and it was no fun at all so we didn’t run it.

    • Ali

      Being part of the ‘couple’ in threesomes is really a helluva lot better in my opinion; with either MFM or FMF. Then again I do happen to be a selfish lady who needs to be the center of attention…

      Ah, well.

    • Discordian99

      Fucking gross and selfish.  Not it an good way.

      • Noelle

        and why is that?

    • Anonymous

      just funny or incredibly serious advice for the amateur like myself xD

    • Anonymous

      I’d do it just to add it to my Lazarus Long résumé ( a reference which any geek can figure out). You never can tell which allegedly “immoral” experience might come in handy for solving other kinds of problems in life.

    • http://profile.yahoo.com/GTR2GJSIQA3UOBYYSFXP7QX5KQ Jon

      As long as it’s two girls and me ,I’m cool with it

    • Jill

      “The Thinking Woman’s Guide To Threesomes” Thinking woman don’t have Threesomes… Duh

      • Mamajamerson

        Incorrect! I am a thinking woman and, while I won’t begin to state how many threesomes, foursomes and etc. I have personally been involved in, I maintain that they can be an amazing part of a well-rounded life.

        The author makes some excellent points, as do many of the commenters. The disparity comes from each individual’s experience and expectations. 

        TL:DR? You are the only one who is completely wrong.

    • dohpaz

      “you spritely little hippie biscuit”

    • Jon

      Ive beeN in one threesome. As a guy i’s definitely the next level. If your partner is cool with it guys go for it.

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