Because we’re scared. Because we can, because they let us, because we think they’ll be there if and when we want to go running back. I dated a guy for a short time. He was probably one of the nicest, sweetest, giving, caring, and loving guys that I have ever met in my life. He was genuine in every word he spoke. He was raised with good morals and values. He had a great career. He was independent. He was handsome, smart, funny, outgoing, charming, and kind. The list could go on for days. He was a one woman man. He had respect for himself and he certainly respected others. But most importantly he was happy. Some thing everybody wishes to be. But he didn’t have to wish, he genuinely was. On the outside his life appeared to be perfect and I think for the most part, it didn’t just appear to be… it in fact was.
Why didn’t I want to be with him? It boggled my mind along with many others. He complimented me every single day, he listened to me cry for hours at 3am, he did everything he could to cheer me up when I was feeling down, he showed me a side of myself I never knew was there. He made me see the good in myself. But he also brought out the ugly in me. I was bitchy, unkind, and impatient with him. He was too nice, and I was too hard. My walls have been built up so high for so long not even he could break them down. He was everything I was looking for in a man. Everything I could ever need. Everything I know I deserve. But he was everything I never wanted for the simple fact that he is not what I am used to.
Timing sucks, plain and simple. People come into your life at the worst times, for the best reasons. To wake you up and show you a side of yourself that you never knew was there. To teach you invaluable lessons. To lift you up when you are feeling down.
But why don’t we keep those people around? The perfect person could be right there, with open arms but you still find something wrong with them and push them so far away. I believe we do this because our beliefs about love are tainted. And as long as your heart is guarded and your walls are up, there will never be a right person for you.
Do I regret breaking it off with him? No, not one bone in my body does. I know I am not ready for that right now and I have to focus on loving myself before I will ever be able to completely love somebody else. Do I wish more than anything that I loved him? Yes, I do, because that’s how great of a person he was. Did he love me? I’ll never know the answer to that. I think deep down he did. He sure did everything, and I mean everything in his power to try to make me stick around. But I ran. And sometimes when you start to run, you run too far, and you’ll never find your way to where you want to be.