I’ll never understand why I continue to trust people with my whole heart. It has never once been handled with the same care that was initially promised.
I don’t always start the healing process off with the best decisions. In fact, my choices post-heartbreak are usually the most irrational and illogical.
I know you’re somewhat familiar with how I’ve been going about my life, and I can only assume you’re not pleased with my actions. For you love, I’d be happy to explain why this is how I’ve chosen to move on from you.
It was a Saturday morning, just one week before you firmly decided I was no longer the one for you. You looked up at me and smiled, which never failed to make me return the gesture.
I asked what you were thinking. You replied, “I can’t wait for you to take my last name.” My heart filled with joy. I couldn’t wait for that day, either. You were meant for me in every way. Shortly after falling in love with you, you became the only one I saw in my future.
It’s safe to say that in 2016, the tragic events that plagued the world weren’t the only reasons why I wasn’t quite myself. My world came crashing down, right when I was beginning to pick myself up. It was like a recurring notion, I couldn’t seem to kick it, or at least take the time to get myself back on track. Then, you came along. You made my heart whole again.
I can’t explain why I acted irrational, irregular, and inconsistent. When you’re battling the pain of something that hits close to home and fighting the fear or loss, nothing will come out the way you want it to. I apologized time and time again for my behavior. Every time, you promised you’d never give up on me, that you’d never leave my side regardless of what life had in store for us. Unfortunately for me, I believed you.
Having lost you so suddenly exaggerated every pain point in my life. Every day, you were my inspiration for moving forward. You lifted my soul in ways I couldn’t quite explain. When you left, I lost my motivation to keep going. Trying to gain that back on my own has not been easy by any stretch of the imagination.
I slowly felt the support from friends disintegrate as their frustration with my self-destruction grew stronger. From this, all I’ve learned is the value of the phrase, ‘actions speak louder than words’. People only say you have their unconditional support as a form of comfort. Once they’re put to the test, you’ll be terribly disappointed with who actually lives up to their word.
You, too promised to be there for me as someone who understands and cares. You vowed to remain a person I could talk to and reach out to at any time. One month later, I’ve only been able to communicate with you through ignored phone calls, short text messages and avoided eye contact when we happen to be in the same room. Your sad attempt at executing support cut deeper than the wound you left initially.
After countless tears and hours spent sleeping the day away, I realized you weren’t coming back. I quickly tried my best to stay busy with distractions to help keep my mind off of you. This doesn’t necessarily mean I’ve been taking the right steps toward recovery. I’ve directed my attention to those who don’t deserve it and engaged in activities that don’t contribute to my well-being.
But either way, these distractions have allowed me to stop thinking about you on a constant basis. I stopped wondering what you were doing, where you were and who you were with. I grew less concerned with whether or not you missed me or when you were going to contact me. As of late, I’ve felt plainly numb to the idea of you. I don’t expect you to understand, but I expect you not to pass judgment.
My advice to you love, is to carefully consider the words you give to those who lean on you. I held onto your promises and used them to create strength I couldn’t find elsewhere. When you promptly broke your word and took off, you took my strength with you.
Now, I hope you can respect the steps I take to lift myself up again. Though you may still feel confident in your decision to leave, I hope you know I deserved so much better.