17 Things You Only Care About Once You Turn 60

Welcome to 60, where your biggest life decisions now involve choosing between comfortable shoes and dignity. You’ve officially entered the age where you consider a successful day one where you remember where you parked.

1.

You suddenly care about the number 60, forcing you to switch the age at which someone becomes “old” from 60 to 70.

2.

You start caring about your health, making it a point to get to bed at a reasonable hour, which is anytime before sunset.

3.

After taking all your medication in the morning, you hope you still have room for breakfast. 

4.

Fiber becomes the only nutrient that matters. Everything else on the nutrition label blurs.

5.

You’d like to stop running away from reality, but that ain’t gonna happen when walking to the refrigerator leaves you winded.

6.

Whenever you’re out in public, you’re constantly looking around, hoping to see someone who looks older than you.

7.

Algorithms suddenly know too much about you. Every time you check the weather app on your phone, you have to scroll past ads for anti-aging creams and knee braces.

8.

Speaking of your phone, why does the text keep getting smaller?

9.

It’d be nice if you could relate to the villains in horror movies. Would it be too much to ask for a remake of Jaws where the shark has dentures?

10.

For the first time in your life, the song “Stairway to Heaven” sounds exhausting rather than inspirational. They don’t have an elevator?

11.

Then a cold shame washes over you when you realize that no one under 60 has ever heard the song “Stairway to Heaven.” When it comes to pop-culture references, you feel like an alien visiting Earth from the distant past.

12.

You take a keen interest in outliving everyone who bullied you when you were younger.

13.

The day you turn 60, cashiers you’ve never met before automatically apply the senior discount without asking for ID. That one really hurts.

14.

You try to forgive yourself for how you spoke and felt about people over 60 when you were younger. You secretly wish that Congress would pass a law classifying “OK, Boomer” as hate speech.

15.

It bothers you that your vision is fading, but the positive thing is that you look better in the mirror that way.

16.

You hope that after you’re gone, you will be remembered better than you can remember where you left your keys and eyeglasses.

17.

You start having a personal crisis about the fact that you never had a midlife crisis, and now it’s too late. Somehow, “end-of-life crisis” doesn’t sound quite as fun.