1. Guy walks into a liquor store. He wanders around a bit, and eventually, the store owner asks him if he needs any help. He replies “Yeah, I do, but I’d rather just get whiskey.”
2. A man finds a penguin at his doorstep. His friends tell him to take it to the zoo. Later that day, they see him walking down the street while still carrying the penguin. They ask him, “Weren’t you gonna take it to the zoo?” and the man says, “I did, now I’m taking it to the movies!”
3. I was walking home and there was this guy hammering a roof that called me a paranoid bastard in morse code.
4. What do you get when you cross a scientist with a chimpanzee? A strongly worded letter from the ethics department.
5. I was walking through a quarry and said to the foreman, “That’s a big rock!”
“Boulder,” he replied. So I puffed out my chest and shouted: “Look at that enormous rock over there!”
6. If I’m gonna be frank, I’d have to change my name.
7. I got fired from my job at the calendar factory. I took a day off.
8. Does Santa pay for parking? No, it’s on the house.
9. I’m reading a horror story in Braille, something bad is going to happen… I can feel it.
10. Why are kleptomaniacs terrible with puns? They’re always taking everything, literally.
11. Person A: I took my wife to the Caribbean.
Person B: Jamaica?
Person A: No, she wanted to go!
12. While on a road trip look out the window and say, “Oh look a flock of cows.”
Passenger: “No it’s a herd of cows.”
Me: “HEARD OF COWS? OF COURSE I HAVE THERE’S A WHOLE FLOCK OVER THERE!”
13. What’s the name of the French shoe inventor? Phil-lip Phil-lop.
14. Did you hear about the wooden car? IT WOODEN GO!
15. Why did the bell pepper fail archery? He didn’t habanero.
16. How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one, but the lightbulb really has to want to change.
17. Why do seals swim in saltwater? Because pepper water makes them sneeze.
18. What’s brown, and sounds like a bell? DUNG!
19. Wife, on the phone with her husband: Oh my gosh, you won’t believe it! Some idiot is driving the wrong way on the highway! Be careful!
Husband: One?! It’s not just one, there are dozens of them!
20. What do you find in a clean nose? Fingerprints!
21. What is Bruce Lee’s favorite drink? Watahhhhhh!
22. What do you call a pig with three eyes? A piiig.
23. A man fell down a flight of stairs with a glass of whiskey and didn’t spill a drop. How did he do it? He kept his mouth shut.
24. A man walks into a cafe and orders a coffee with no cream. The waitress says, “we’re out of cream.” The guy says, “Okay, then I’ll have a coffee with no milk.”
25. Which side of the chicken has more feathers? The outside.
26. A man walks into a restaurant with a fish under his arm. “Do you make fishcakes?” He asks.
“Of course sir!”
“Oh good, it’s his birthday!”
27. What musical instrument do a pair of sheep play? The two-baaaa.
28. What did the elephant say to the naked man? “How can you breathe through that tiny thing?”
29. What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.
30. I usually tell dad jokes…. most of the time he laughs.