1. I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know.
2. Conjunctivitis.com. That’s a sight for sore eyes.
3. I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey. It took a while but I turned myself around.
4. I know someone that does a great impression of an owl…
5. Who’s the coolest person in the hospital? The ultra sound guy.
Who’s the coolest when the ultra sound guy isn’t there? The hip replacement guy
6. I went to a beekeeper to buy a dozen bees. He counted out 13 and gave them to me. So, being an honest person I told him, “Sir, you gave me one too many!” He looked at me and said, “That one’s a freebie!”
7. What’s the difference between a steak and a shooting star? One’s meaty, the other is a little meteor.
8. Having turned 40, I’ve realized I can’t handle my alcohol as well as I used to. This weekend I got drunk on two beers…#18 and #19…
9. Why are pirates called pirates? Because they AHRR!
10. How long did Cain hate his brother? As long as he was Able.
11. Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy.
12. Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road. I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?”
13. I know a great knock-knock joke, you start.
14. Unemployment jokes don’t work.
15. What do you call it when a chameleon can’t camouflage? A reptile dysfunction.
16. Did you know that Napoleon Bonaparte never said ‘thank you’ to anyone? Yeah, it’s because he couldn’t speak English.
17. Install mirrors? Now that’s a job I can see myself doing!
18. Why don’t sharks eat drowning attorneys? Professional courtesy.
19. What are Mario’s overalls made of? Denim-denim-denim! 🎶
20. Pretentious? Moi?
21. What do you call a magician without magic? Ian.
22. What’s the difference between sexy and kinky? Sexy is when you use a feather. Kinky is when you use the whole chicken.
23. I would love to travel to Holland someday. Wooden shoe?
24. What did Missy Elliot say when selling ice cream? Come get ya free cone.
25. Why isn’t your nose 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.
26. Why do sharks swim in saltwater? Because pepper water makes them sneeze.
28. What’s the difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.
29. A couple of cannibals are having lunch. One says to the other, “Man, I hate your mother.”
The other says, “Try the potatoes, then.”
30. What do you call a one-eyed dinosaur? DoYouThinkHeSaurus.
What do you call a one-eyed dinosaurs dog? DoYouThinkHeSaurus Rex.