60+ Hilarious George Carlin Quotes and Jokes

By January Nelson Updated January 22, 2021

George Carlin quotes are hilarious. Carlin was a New York City-based stand-up comedian, social critic, writer, and actor, best known for his unconventional and vulgar comedy routines. He talked about things that could be considered controversial, like politics and politicians, religion, drugs, and the demise of humanity. He has written many books full of brutally honest sayings and jokes, like Brain Droppings, When Will Jesus Bring the Porkchops?, Last Words, and more. Carlin was known for keeping things real, and his funny jokes were sure to get a laugh out of anyone.

In 1972, he was arrested for violating obscenity laws after his infamous comedy sketch, 7 Words You Can Never Say On Television. It even sparked a legal case with the U.S. Supreme Court! Over time, though, his success grew. Carlin had 14 comedy specials, several published books and CDs, 5 Grammy awards, many TV and movie roles, and the title of being the first-ever host of Saturday Night Live, all under his belt. He died from heart failure in 2008, survived by his second wife Sally Wade, and his daughter, Kelly.

Below are some famous quotes and jokes by the man, the myth, the legend, the comedian George Carlin. We’ve also included some of his sketches from YouTube, viral videos of jokes you might have heard once or twice before. Enjoy!

George Carlin quotes and funny jokes about life and perspective

“I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It’s so fuckin’ heroic.” – George Carlin

“If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?” – George Carlin

“Some people see things that are and ask, ‘Why?’ Some people dream of things that never were and ask, ‘Why not?’ Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.” – George Carlin

“The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death! What’s that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first; get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you’re too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating …and you finish off as an orgasm.” – George Carlin

“I don’t have pet peeves – I have major psychotic fucking hatreds.” – George Carlin

“Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that’s twice as big as it needs to be.” – George Carlin

“How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette?” – George Carlin

“Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.” – George Carlin

“Life gets really simple once you cut out all the bull shit they teach you in school.” – George Carlin

“The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.” – George Carlin

“People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.” – George Carlin

“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.” – George Carlin

“Don’t just teach your children to read…Teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything.” – George Carlin

“People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.” – George Carlin

“There’s a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.” – George Carlin

“What if there were no hypothetical questions?” – George Carlin

George Carlin quotes and jokes about humanity

“The planet is fine. The people are fucked.” – George Carlin

“Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.” – George Carlin

“Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.” – George Carlin

“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.” – George Carlin

“Men are from Earth; women are from Earth. Deal with it.” – George Carlin

“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.” – George Carlin

“Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?” – George Carlin

“We’re so self-important. Everybody’s going to save something now. “Save the trees, save the bees, save the whales, save those snails.” And the greatest arrogance of all: save the planet. Save the planet; we don’t even know how to take care of ourselves yet. I’m tired of this shit.” – George Carlin

“Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.” – George Carlin

George Carlin quotes and jokes about politics and religion

“Religion has actually convinced people that there’s an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever ’til the end of time! But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He’s all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can’t handle money!” – George Carlin

“That’s why they call it the American Dream because you have to be asleep to believe it.” – George Carlin

“Religion is like a pair of shoes…..Find one that fits for you, but don’t make me wear your shoes.” – George Carlin

“He – and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly.” – George Carlin

“I do this real moron thing, and it’s called thinking. And apparently, I’m not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.” – George Carlin

“I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State… These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.” – George Carlin

“If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.” – George Carlin

“If there is a God, I think most reasonable people might agree that he’s at least incompetent, and maybe, just maybe, doesn’t give a shit. Doesn’t give a shit, which I admire in a person, and which would explain a lot of these bad results.” – George Carlin

“Atheism is a non-prophet organization.” – George Carlin

“I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.” – George Carlin

“Now, there’s one thing you might have noticed I don’t complain about: politicians. Everybody complains about politicians. Everybody says they suck. Well, where do people think these politicians come from? They don’t fall out of the sky. They don’t pass through a membrane from another reality. They come from American parents and American families, American homes, American schools, American churches, American businesses, and American universities, and they are elected by American citizens. This is the best we can do, folks. This is what we have to offer. It’s what our system produces: Garbage in, garbage out. If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you’re going to get selfish, ignorant leaders. Term limits ain’t going to do any good; you’re just going to end up with a brand new bunch of selfish, ignorant Americans. So, maybe, maybe, maybe, it’s not the politicians who suck. Maybe something else sucks around here… like, the public. Yeah, the public sucks. There’s a nice campaign slogan for somebody: ‘The Public Sucks. F*ck Hope.” – George Carlin

“In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.” – George Carlin

“I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.” – George Carlin

“Governments don’t want a population capable of critical thinking; they want obedient workers, people just smart enough to run the machines and just dumb enough to passively accept their situation.” – George Carlin

“How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes…dies.” – George Carlin

“The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend.” – George Carlin

“The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.” – George Carlin

Other George Carlin quotes and jokes

“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.” – George Carlin

“May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.” – George Carlin

“The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.” – George Carlin

“Scratch any cynic, and you will find a disappointed idealist.” – George Carlin

“I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: “Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.” – George Carlin

“How is it possible to have a civil war?” – George Carlin

“Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward. ” – George Carlin

“I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence?” – George Carlin

“If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff? ” – George Carlin

“Meow means woof in cat.” – George Carlin

“When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front row seat.” – George Carlin

“Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?” – George Carlin

“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.” – George Carlin

“I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.” – George Carlin

“Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.” – George Carlin

“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?” – George Carlin

“We’ve learned how to make a living, but not a life. We’ve added years to life not life to years.” – George Carlin

“Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.” – George Carlin

“Well, if crime fighters fight crime and firefighters fight fires, what do freedom fighters fight?” – George Carlin

“Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.” – George Carlin

“I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer’s disease where they slowly began to recover other people’s lost memories.” – George Carlin

“When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. It will not be with jack-boots. It will be Nike sneakers and smiley shirts…” – George Carlin

“I bet you anything that 10 times out of 10, Nicky, Vinny and Tony will beat the shit out of Todd, Kyle and Tucker.” – George Carlin

“I don’t like ass kissers, flag wavers, or team players. I like people who buck the system. Individualists. I often warn people: “Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, ‘There is no “I” in team.’ What you should tell them is, ‘Maybe not. But there is an “I” in independence, individuality, and integrity.'” Avoid teams at all costs. Keep your circle small. Never join a group that has a name. If they say, “We’re the So-and-Sos,” take a walk. And if somehow, you must join, if it’s unavoidable, such as a union or a trade association, go ahead and join. But don’t participate; it will be your death. And if they tell you you’re not a team player, congratulate them on being observant.” – George Carlin