1. Welcome to Dumpville. Population you.
2. Please unblock me on Facebook.
3. To my one and only. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you I was married.
4. I removed these from nature so that you can watch them slowly die in your house.
5. I still don’t think I did anything wrong… but here’s some flowers.
6. I love you, my dirty hooker.
7. This should be worth at least a blowjob.
8. I feel bad for wrecking your two lips so I got you some tulips.
9. I’m sorry you found out.
10. You work so hard everyday and still have the energy to come home and please me.
11. Roses are red, emeralds are green. I love your legs, and what’s in between.
12. I couldn’t come up with a better way to tell you you might have chlamydia.
13. I hope these fill your hole rather than another dude. Miss you!
14. I love you. Do you want me to top or bottom tonight?
15. These flowers will die just like our love.
16. You are not the father.
17. Roses are red. Violets are blue. When you get home, I’m going to bang you.
18. I’m not sorry.
19. You’re dead to us.
20. Can’t wait to put my tongue in your bootyhole.
21. I’m sorry I had sex with your friend. Please forgive me!
22. Herpes happens. Dinner?
23. I want a divorce.
24. I hope you’re allergic.
25. Sorry you’re such a dumb bitch.
26. I would dragon kick a baby for you.
27. I could have given you these this weekend but then everyone at work wouldn’t have known you got flowers and really, isn’t that the point?
28. Sorry I knocked up your friend.
29. Thanks for letting me borrow your deodorant!
30. To me, from me. Happy birthday.