1. Please don’t try to have a conversation with me when I’m in another room, especially if I’m doing dishes, laundry, making food, showering, etc. I’m trying to listen to you, but cannot clearly hear what you’re saying. Odds are I’m going to ask you to repeat yourself three times or I’m going to ignore you until I can come to where you are. Either way, you’ll likely be pissed about it.

2. For the love of all holy fucks, if you take the last of something THROW THE FUCKING BOX/BAG AWAY.

3. Close the dang cabinet doors! Close all the doors!

4. Close the microwave door after you take your food out!

5. Push your goddamn chair in when you stand up from the table.

6. Do not salt the food I’ve made you until you’ve tried it.

7. Stop asking me questions and watch the movie and you’ll understand what the movie is about.

8. People who don’t mix their sour cream so it isn’t soupy on top before they use it, what is wrong with them?

9. Scrape your damn plate off before putting dishes into the dishwasher.

10. If you tell me you are going to “defiantly” do something, I am going to picture you doing it with defiance. All angry. Marching around pissed off that you had to do it.

It’s definitely, people.

Def-in-it-ely and de-fi-ant-ly are two completely different words with completely different connotations and definitions.

11. I ordered a hamburger. Those don’t have cheese. If I wanted cheese I would have ordered a cheeseburger.

12. If someone had their door closed when you entered their room, close it when you leave! I feel like there’s only one person in every household that understands that, and they’re the people who keep their door closed.

13. Use your fucking turn signal.

14. You LOSE LOOSE change. Your team did not loose. You did not loose your wallet. You don’t have lose change.

15. It’s could HAVE, should HAVE, would HAVE. Not could OF, should OF, would OF.

16. You don’t do things on accident, you do things BY accident.

17. EFFECT vs AFFECT. It pisses me off all the time when people use them wrong!!!

18. It is: “I couldn’t care less” because if you could care less that means you care at least one bit, but if you couldn’t care less then it means you do not care at all.

19. “A lot” is two fucking words.

20. Self-plagiarism is stupid and should not be a form of plagiarism.

21. It’s “hear, hear” not “here, here.” Get it fucking right.

22. That box of useless cables in my closet?

You know the one that has a bunch of old USB cables, RCA cables, even S-Video cables, and a shit load of AC adapters I can’t find the ends for?

Yeah, that box is mine, and I will NEVER throw it away. Even if it only comes in handy once a year, I’ll be damned if it doesn’t feel great feeling like a dang hero when your friend or family member needs one of those “useless” cables for something.

23. You do not have “free reign” over something, it is free rein. It is an equestrian metaphor people!

24. You’re not the only person in the grocery store, lady! Move your cart to the side IN ANTICIPATION of others trying to get by. It’s not predicting the future and you really need to work on your spacial awareness.

25. Every day: something that happens every day.

Everyday: ordinary, unremarkable.

26. When not in use, the microwave is a clock. Stop leaving your unused time on there! You just have to hit the cancel button once, damn!

27. Leaving the lights on when there’s no one in the room. This is such a stupid thing but it just gets on my nerves.

28. I will argue ALL DAY LONG with people who use apostrophes when something is plural. Please stop.

29. Having any sound coming from your phone over the speaker in public. TF is wrong with you? I don’t need to hear your shitty music OR your conversation!

30. The people ON the elevator EXIT FIRST; that means BEFORE the losers waiting FOR the elevator ENTER.

ALWAYS.

EVERY TIME.

NO EXCEPTIONS.

If I’m riding an elevator, and you try to get on before letting me off, I will make it awkward for everyone involved and I will have literally no shame. Is negative shame possible? I will have negative shame for making you feel awkward trying to block me from getting off the elevator.