1. Since I’ve become a full-time freelancer, I’ve made quite a few sales. My car, my house, my clothes…

2. What type of blood does a proofreader have? Type O.

3. Excited by a friend’s first story sale, one asks what she’s going to buy with the money. She shrugs. “I don’t know, a candy bar?”

4. What do you get when you cross a writer with a deadline? A really clean house.

5. What’s it like to be an aspiring writer? It’s difficult to put into words.

6. Why are writers always cold? They’re surrounded by drafts.

7. How many writers does it take to change a light bulb? Fuck you, I’m not changing anything!

8. What’s the difference between a writer and a large cheese pizza? The pizza can feed a family of three.

9. I once asked this literary agent what writing paid the best, and he said, ‘ransom notes’.

10. A writer died and was given the option of going to heaven or hell. She decided to check out each place first. As the writer descended into the fiery pits, she saw row upon row of writers chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they were repeatedly whipped with thorny lashes.

“Oh my,” said the writer. “Let me see heaven now.”

A few moments later, as she ascended into heaven, she saw rows of writers, chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they, too, were whipped with thorny lashes.

“Wait a minute,” said the writer. “This is just as bad as hell!”

“Oh no, it’s not,” replied an unseen voice. “Here, your work gets published.”

11. Why was the dating coach jealous of the writer? They found someone even more knowledgeable about rejection.

12. What’s a novice writer’s favorite position? Exposition.

13. What do you call a writer with health insurance? Married.

14. What do you get when you cross a writer and a parrot? A bird that expects 8 cents a word.

15. What’s the leading cause of death among new writers? Exposure.

16. They say writers are very tolerant people. I agree. My alcohol tolerance and pain tolerance have increased significantly since I started writing.

17. Someone wants to create a work of serialized fiction using words printed onto paper, which is then bound into a physical collection of sorts. What a novel idea.

18. What do working in publishing and parenting a toddler have in common? Reading the same damn book over and over and over.

19. What’s random, disgusting, and will put you on an FBI watch list? A writer’s browser history.

20. How do you make a small fortune in publishing? First you start with a large fortune…

21. A good line edit is its own reword.

22. I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

23. How many writers does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one. You call Bill, the janitor, and he does it. He’s written six bestselling novels and won many prestigious awards…

24. Editor: Knock knock.

Writer: Who’s there?

Editor: Your editor.

Writer: *who has missed the new deadline after missing previous deadlines* Um. . . my editor who?

25. Why don’t writers stare out of the window in the morning? Because they’d have nothing to do in the afternoon.

26. What’s a great life tip for writers? Adding water to the bottle of shampoo makes it last longer.