1. And so God spoke unto John and said,
“Come forth, and you shall receive eternal life.”
But John came fifth, and won a toaster.
2. What is the least spoken language in the world? Sign language.
3. A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
4. What’s green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you? A pool table.
5. What happens when you don’t pay your exorcist? You get repossessed.
6. Did you hear about the explosion at the French cheese factory? All that was left was da brie.
7. Did you know Norwegian War Ships all have barcodes on the side? It’s so they can Scan de Navy in.
8. What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor? Where’s my tractor?
9. What do you do when you see a spaceman? You park, man.
10. Mick walks into a pub holding dogshit. Everyone turns to look at him. ‘Look what I almost stepped in!’ he says.
11. Why do people hate Russian dolls? They are full of themselves.
12. A kid in a wheelchair said, “You know what, I can’t stand.”
13. How many bones are in a hand? A handful.
14. Did you know the Canary Islands have no canaries. Same with the virgin islands, no canaries.
15. Where do you go in a zombie apocalypse? The living room!
16. What do a mole and a bald eagle have in common? They both live underground. Except for the eagle.
17. A man is born in Alaska. He moves to Kentucky and gets married. Then he moves to California and has two kids. Later in life, he moves back to Alaska to die there. What do you call him?
18. A snake walks into a bar. The bartender says: “How the fuck did you do that?”
19. Fuck the guy who stole my antidepressants. I hope you are… happy now.
20. What are the Mario Brothers’ overalls made out of? Denim denim denim.
21. Two chemists walk into a bar. One says, “I’ll have H20.” The other one says, “I’ll have H20 too.” The second chemist dies.
22. Oh my god, guys, there was a kidnapping at the school today. It’s okay though, he woke up.
23. Two guys walk into a bar. Third one ducks.
24. What do you call Santa when he’s irritated? A mumble wrapper.
25. How do you make a hot dog stand? Steal his chair.
26. Why does Batman carry a baseball bat? Because he’s the Batman.
27. I don’t make jokes about vegans. It’s tasteless!
28. My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home.
29. What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
30. How do you make a light bulb horny? You turn it on.
31. What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb? You can unscrew a lightbulb.
32. A skeleton goes into the bar and says to the bartender, “Give me a pitcher of beer and a mop.”
33. I told Sam not to sing, but fortunately Samsung.
34. I tell Dad jokes…. Sometimes he laughs.
35. What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
36. A blind guy walked into a bar, into a chair, and into a table.
37. How do you get 20 Canadians out of a swimming pool? Say, “Please get out of the swimming pool.”
38. There’s something wrong with this chicken. It tastes fowl.
39. What kind of dog can do magic tricks? A labracadabrador retriever.
40. Why don’t you see elephants hiding in trees? They’re really good at it.
41. What kind of bees do you get milk from? Boobies.
42. What did the cow say to the other cow while it was being milked? This is udder hell.
43. What’s a foot long and slippery? A slipper.
44. What’s green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.
45. What is worse than dropping your ice cream? Getting hit by a bus.
46. A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, “What is this? A joke?”
47. Did you know the blue whale is so large that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would have to be cancelled?
48. What did one lawyer say to the other lawyer? “We are both lawyers.”
49. How do you get a tissue to dance? You put a little boogie into it.
50. What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?