1. When I’m talking with my Hispanic friends I use the word ‘mucho’. It means a lot to them.
2. Who is this Rorschach guy and why does he keep drawing pictures of my parents fighting?
3. I’m hosting a charity event for people who have trouble ejaculating. If you can’t come let me know.
4. When I was a child, my dad tried to force-feed me. After a while, my mum said, “Just use a fucking spoon, Mike. You’re not a Jedi.”
5. I got these new shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what they’re laced with but I’ve been tripping all day.
6. You know why blind people don’t jump out of airplanes? It scares the dog.
7. I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
8. Why was the bouncy castle so expensive? Due to the cost of inflation.
9. What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday, the rest are week days.
10. I’d tell you my favorite dead baby joke, but I always fuck up the delivery.
11. What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off.
12. What do you call an alien with 3 balls? An extrateresticle.
13. I sent a food package to my fomer wife. Fed ex.
14. Why did the hipster drown in the lake? He went skating before it was cool.
15. What’s the difference between an enzyme and a hormone? I didn’t make an enzyme last night.
16. Did you hear the score in the game between the ocean and the beach? It’s tide.
17. What’s the difference between a hockey player and a scientist? The scientist wants to be cross-checked.
18. What do the mafia and pussy have in common? One slip of the tongue and you’re in deep shit.
19. I hate sitting in traffic. I always get run over.
20. You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes.
21. A bunch of books fell on my head this morning. I’ve only got my shelf to blame.
22. Did you know you can’t run through a camp ground? You can only ran… Because it’s past tents.
23. A man was late to the cannibal party. He got the cold shoulder.
24. Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? You don’t wanna wake the sleeping pills.
25. What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller!
26. How did Sparticus react when he ate his wife for dinner? He was gladiator!
27. Why did the salad go to the recording studio? To get some beets.
28. What do you call birds that stick together? Velcrows.
29. Where do sick boats go? To a dock.
30. Why don’t ants get sick? Because they have little anty-bodies.
31. What do you call a cow jumping over a barbed wire fence? Utter destruction.
32. Wood fired pizza? How’s pizza gonna get a job now?
33. A duck is standing at the side of a road. A chicken walks by and says, “Don’t do it man, you’ll never hear the end of it.”
34. Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.
35. I scared the UPS guy by showing up at the door naked. I dunno what scared him more, the nudity, or the fact I knew where he lived.
36. The boiled water died, it shall be mist.
37. I used to play triangle in a reggae band but I had to give it up. It was just one ting after another.
38. Can I tell a vegan joke? I promise that it won’t be cheesy.
39. How can you tell who’s adopted at a duck family reunion? Duck, duck, duck, goose.
40. “I hate being half bike, half motorcycle,” he moped.
41. I like puns about eyes. The cornea the better.
42. I named my horse Mayo. Because Mayo neighs.
43. Did you hear about the guy who dipped his testicles in glitter? Pretty nuts.
44. I asked the doctor if I could administer my own anesthetic. He said, “Sure! Knock yourself out!”
45. What do you get when you mix a caterpillar and a parrot? A walkie-talkie!
46. I’m putting my grades up for adoption because I can’t raise them myself.
47. Did you hear about the guy with the banana car that was pulled over by a cop? Just as the cop was writing the ticket he peeled out.
48. Say what you want about deaf people.
49. I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s also terrible.
50. What’s the difference between a joke and a rhetorical question?
51. What has one finger and is very threatening? A ransom note.
52. What do you get when you throw a piano down a mine shaft? A-flat miner.
53. What’s the difference between pink and purple? Your grip.
54. The cemetery is really crowded, people must be dying to get in.
55. My wife asked me to hand her the chapstick last night, but I handed her a glue stick by mistake. She’s still not talking to me.
56. Can you name two people who were shot in the back of the head in a movie theater? Abe Lincoln and the guy sitting in front of Pee Wee Herman.
57. My wife came in while I was jerking off to an optical illusion. I said, “Honey, it’s not what it looks like!”
58. What did Mark Twain name his son? Choo Choo Twain.
59. What do you call 10 rabbits marching backwards? A receding hare line.
60. When I took up yoga the teacher asked me how flexible I am. I said, “I can’t do Thursdays.”