1. I’m capable of giving orgasms. To myself mostly, but still…

2. I’m a cheap date because all I really want is Taco Bell

3. You’ll be the smart one. You’ll be the good looking one.

4. My parents are dead so we’ll never have argue about where we will spend the holidays.

5. I make good cereal.

6. You’ll definitely outlive me and can get that sweet life insurance money.

7. I am like a cat. I am an asshole that rarely wants your love or affection, but when I do want it I am a needy sob.

8. I’m okay with long unprovoked silence.

9. I’m a psycho. But the good kind.

10. I can make some badass pasta.

11. I won’t make you go bowling.

12. I’m single and your crush isn’t.

13.  I’ll amaze you with hundreds of useless fun facts.

14. I’ll sit on you for prolonged periods of time. (Bonus: my butt is very soft and not boney, I exfoliate it everyday.)

15. My dog thinks I’m the best and he would love to play with someone new.

16. I’m too ugly to cheat on you, it’s literally impossible for me to get a date.

17. I have a kind heart once you get over the ‘asshole’ bit.

18. I prefer being the big spoon… do I need to say anything else?

19. I eat ass.

20. You wouldn’t have to worry about me cheating. Even if I wanted to, it would be nearly impossible for me because my game is so weak.

21. I will send you memes at random times.

22. Once you break up with me, whoever you date next will look really good in comparison.

23. I can be a good virgin sacrifice.

24. I’m super hydrated, so every time I pee it’s clear.

25. I have beaten every single Pokemon game.

26. I’m occasionally funny.

27. I’m tall therefore the top shelves and top of cupboards are my domain.

28. I shower and smell good.

29. I have like two dollars left on my Walmart gift card. I could get you a drink or something.

30. I always have snacks.

31. I’m funny. I’m loyal. I’m desperate.

32. I’m good at the sexy time.

33. I won’t kill you.