30 Hilarious Things You Should Never Say When You Call Out Of Work

1. They’re superstitious and refuse to work on any Friday that falls on the 13th because something bad always happens to them.

2. When making her morning coffee, grounds got in her cup and then her creamer was bad. So because her coffee was all wrong she couldn’t come into work that day.

3. When I was a manager, the reason given I most remember is: “My garage door opener broke and I can’t get it up.”

4. Called in horny. He was trying for a baby. Couple was deemed infertile, going through all sorts of treatments and therapies. Dude calls in to the manager and says his wife is “ready.” Manager told him to take the day off. A few months later they confirmed conception past 12 weeks. It was very exciting, but also strange.

5. I had a coworker that would call in sick on release dates for new computer games.

6. Some of my favorites when I was a manager:

“I can’t come in today because it’s too windy and I can’t drive my car.”

“I can’t come in today because my cell phone broke and I need to go buy a new one, calling from my friends phone.”

“I can’t come in because I missed the bus and being an hour late won’t be worth the money I’d make being there on time.”

“I can’t come in today because my work pants ripped and I don’t have any other pairs.” You can just wear normal pants today. “No no, that wouldn’t be professional and fair to you.”

7. Former manager. A guy called in and said that he already had started his laundry process and forgot that he needed to be at work. He wondered if it could be considered a sick day.

8. Had a guy who lived within eyeshot of the business, you could look out the front door and see his house. He called in because his car wasn’t working. At first we assumed that he was stuck somewhere with a broken car, but a few minutes later another employee pointed out that he was currently out front working on it.

Still don’t know if he just genuinely did not want to walk to work or he thought that a 3 minute walk was too far on foot.

9. Dinner with their mom… their mom worked for me too and she showed up to her shift, but the daughter didn’t.

10. I had somebody call up because they had a rash and was sure it was Smallpox so they were going to go to the doctor to see if they could get some cream to put on it…

11. He called in because his thighs were chafed from the day before. No it was not sexual. Weird guy.

12. I had someone who said, “I’m not coming in today. Because reasons.” HR had a LONG talk with them for that.

13. I work with a guy who anytime it snows he calls in sick saying he’s not willing to risk his life to come to work.

14. Couldn’t make it to her 4am-8am shift because of church.

Similarly, couldn’t make it to her 12am-4am shift because her family was in town.

These were two separate women. I highly doubt Jesus or your mother want to spend time with you that early in the morning.

15. I’m usually impressed if they bother to make up an excuse, but I’ve heard a lot of dumbass shit.

Best was from a cook who “got saved” one Sunday and told me he was waiting to hear from his new preacher if it was ok to work at a bar.

He threatened to sue me for religious discrimination when I told him not to bother.

16. Once had a coworker say she had forgotten she had a court date that would have her unable to work for the entire day. She was calling out for a Sunday.

17. He called in because his dad died.

His dad came in that day and had breakfast at the counter.

Yeah.

18. He wanted to take paid leave for a Friday. I knew his favorite band was in town that Friday, and their concert would start right around the time work was set to get out. Instead I put him on 24 hours sick time (basically paid time off, and the company only starts tracking it if it exceeds 24 hours) and told him to enjoy the concert.

19. I saw one in my LinkedIn feed where a guy cancelled all his meetings for a day because he’d had a dream that there would be a car crash on the motorway that day.

Imagine getting that call: “So you’re not coming in because there’s been a crash? Where? Was anyone hurt? What did you mean there’s not actually been one? A dream!?”

20. I have an employee who goes home early all the time (once a week or so) because her daughter starts fights at school. So either she’s lying or her daughter is a very violent four year old and someone should be concerned.

21. I have this employee who is late just about every day. Other than your typical excuses, so far, her house has burned down twice…

22. “I went hiking yesterday, and now my legs are sore.”

23. I had someone call off because their electricity was out and she couldn’t blow her hair dry. I told her to drive with her windows down and hung up. Had to fire her a few weeks later as she got arrested for beating up the new girlfriend of one of her baby daddy’s.

24. Called in sick. We generally don’t ask why for the first 2 weeks. After two weeks we have to involve company doctor.

Company doctor reported back. Breast enlargement. We were told by HR not to make a fuzz even though it was not a good reason to call in sick. There was no previous history.

25. I had a subordinate once call in sick because he accidentally closed his recliner on his cat, and apparently chopped its tail off.

The next evening, I asked him what his cat’s name was and he couldn’t answer.

26. Had an employee that had her mother call out for her because she had “a little too much to drink” on her birthday.

Real story: the daughter was in county lock up for Meth possession. Found her mug shot online.

27. Had an employee call in sick, saying it was the flu.

An hour later, he checked in at George Webb (Milwaukee restaurant chain) on Facebook, and posted a photo of himself standing in a line outside of the restaurant that was three or four blocks long, waiting for a free hamburger that the restaurant was giving away because the Milwaukee Brewers won twelve games in a row.

He’s 30, by the way.

28. There was a construction truck parked blocking his driveway. I thought, “Why not ask them to move?”

29. “I know you’re not going to believe this, some homeless man broke into my house last night and stole all of my pants. I will not be able to make it in today because I have to file a police report and have no pants to wear.”

30. A friend of mine, when he was in his early 20’s called in drunk.

Friend: I can’t come in… I’m a pretty drunk.

Boss: Oh…. You’re sick and can’t come in?

Friend: Nah… I’m just drunk… can’t make it.

Boss: Noooo, you’re sick. Right?

Friend: Nah man, I’m just kinda drunk.

Boss: Ok, I’m putting you down as sick, get better soon.