1. “Why don’t you get a REAL job?”
“Now if I did that, what would you have to bitch and be mad about?”
2. Rude lady to gay cashier: “Sorry I don’t speak gay.”
Cashier: “Don’t worry, I’m fluent in bitch.”
3. When they say that they know places that are cheaper, I replied, “I have customers that pay more.”
4. Rude customer: “I don’t like (insert literally anything here), is Owner in? I know him.”
Me: (overly excited) “OMG SAME I know him too! He’s not here but I’m the manager on today so I’ll help you out.”
5. Not me, but my manager. Woman comes in every Sunday… and complains every Sunday. This past time, she said, “I won’t be coming back.”
And he goes, “Alright, I’ll see you next week.”
6. I had an older couple once and the husband asked me if I was stupid. I told him I was stupid enough to not come back to his table and walked away. He flagged me down a couple minutes later, apologized and told me he liked that I didn’t take his shit.
7. Customer who is angry about something absolutely inconsequential: “I’m never coming back, and I’m gonna tell all my friends!”
Owner of store: “Great, I doubt you have many.”
8. Me: “Welcome, how are you two doing tonight?”
Customer: (without even looking at me) “I’ll have a beer and appetizer.”
Me: “I’m doing great, thank you. What can I get you tonight?”
Guy actually stopped and looked me in the eye and apologized for being rude. This was after almost 10 yrs in customer service when I got bold about being sassy with customers who treated me like a servant.
9. “You’d look better if you smiled.”
“You’d look better if you showered.”
Dude used to say this to me every God damned time I saw him. Not once after that.
10. “Can I talk to the manager?”
Spin. “I am the manager.”
11. Worked at mcd in my teens. Whenever someone complained I just gave them a paper to hire them as they seemed they could really help us.
12. A (female) friend of mine told me that when she was waiting tables, she’d respond to people who clicked their fingers at her for attention with ‘the only person who can make me come with their fingers is my boyfriend’.
13. I carded all the women (aged around late 20s – early 30s) at the table except the bitchy one and when she tried handing it to me I said, “Oh don’t worry I don’t need to see yours.”
14. I had a co-worker get a three day suspension for chasing a customer down and handing back their dollar tip and saying, “You obviously need this more than I do.”
The check was for ~80$ and she was a consistently good server. She had enough bs that day.
15. Had a customer complaining about arbitrary, unfixable things who said: “I won’t be coming back here.”
Waitress: “That’s what you said last time!”
16. Former bartender. Had a guy whistling to get my attention. I asked him if he lost his dog. “Because you whistle at dogs not people.” Maybe not witty but felt amazing at the time.
17. “Italian customer at a steakhouse in the US: My pasta wasn’t quite Al Dente.”
Me: “You just got off a plane from Italy, ordered pasta at a steakhouse in the US, and you’re surprised it was less perfect than you are accustomed to?”
18. I slipped a napkin with a lipstick kiss and the text: “It was great… you were great… let’s do it again” in the pocket of a man’s jacket.
The same man who openly mocked my colleague (she has down’s syndrome) in front of his whole Christian family.
19. Not me, but a friend. He was bartending and got into a tiff with a customer and the customer said he would never be returning. About a year later, that customer walked in and said:
“I can’t believe you’re still here!”
And John responded, “I can’t believe you came back!”
20. My favorite recently was them calling for my supervisor to try and whine and get their way. I say, “Good idea, let’s get Jack over here so HE can tell you how you’re wrong.”
21. I work at a New York style pizza place but it’s in North Carolina. A customer came in and ordered a slice of pizza. This is how the conversation went.
Customer: “Is this really a New York slice?”
My manager: “How about you get the fuck out of here, is that New York enough for ya?”
The guy laughed. It was pretty awesome.
22. I had one of those women that complain about their food hoping to get it comped which she did. But then she asked for a to-go box. I said, “I thought you didn’t like your meal, are you sure you want to take it home?”
She got pissed. I should have refused to give her the box but I was new so I boxed it for her. No tip of course.
23. I worked at a restaurant in my hometown for years, and the most common rude thing customers would pull was lifting their empty cup with ice in it and shaking it at me, implying they needed a refill. My response was always the same:
“Are you making music or did you need something?” Use your words, asshats. I’m not your dog.
24. “I’m never coming back here again!”
“Great! We don’t want you back here.”
25. “I’d watch out if I were you, I know your manager.”
“I know him too, so what?”
26. Worked part-time at a thrift store.
Got cursed out by a customer yelling, “Why don’t you get a REAL job?!”
Replied with: “Why don’t you go yell at a real store?” in the most tired, deadpan voice.
This happened a few times.
27. Had a girl ordering a Pina Colada and then complaining about the coconut. She didn’t like coconut. So I got her another drink and she goes: “What are you going to do with that one? Will you throw it away?”
I just looked at her, told her that I do like coconut and took a sip.
28. Had a customer harassing me over a product he bought and wanted to return. No receipt, over the return date, claimed he paid for it in cash. I told him that the return policy was within 30 days and he had to have a receipt.
Him: “You’re just paid to say that.”
Me: “As a matter of fact, I am paid to say that. That’s how jobs work.”
Never saw his scamming ass again.
29. Lady snapping fingers to student employee: “Tell me where the Marriott Center is.”
Employee snapping back: “Try again.”
30. Work for a moving company, customers always get mad when we don’t have the equipment available for them when they show up last minute with no reservation. ‘Well I’ll just go to (competitor’s name)!’
Would always reply with exact directions: ‘Great they are a block north, on the right side. You cant miss em.’ Never failed to get a disgusted scoff, but we would always see them again in an hour or so to set up a reservation when competitors didn’t have any equipment either.