1. I’m in ultrasound. We do a hell of a lot more than just scanning pregnant people, but we get a lot of people who ask, “Is it a boy or a girl? HAHAHA” during abdominal and vascular studies.
2. Travel Money Bureau. Every time I’m checking if some notes are legit or not, it’s: “They should be fine. I printed them this morning.”
3. Mail carrier here. “You can keep the bills!” hur hur hur.
4. I’m a veterinarian. Some clients do actually say, “If you really loved animals, you’ll treat them for free right?”
5. Dentist: It hurts twice when I come here, the first time during the appointment and the second time when I take out my wallet.
6. I’m obligated to ask those visiting my work place if they have any weapons to declare.
“Just these guns!” Flex.
7. Selling lottery tickets. I’m like what numbers would you like? Everyone be like, “the winning ones.” Bruh.
8. Video production: Can you photoshop me to look thinner?
9. I work in IT. “Should I just… tUrN iT oFf AnD oN aGaIn?!” Yes, yes you should.
10. I recently went through US Customs and the officer asked me the standard “do you have cash more than $10,000 on you?” question.
I responded: “I wish! HURHURHUR”
Her response: “If I had a penny for everyone who cracked that joke in front of me, I’d have the $10,000 by now.”
…I totally deserved that.
11. As a nurse, almost any time I give anything remotely close to a painkiller/sedative to patient, the family says something along the lines of “CAN I haVE One tOo HyUcK HYUCK HYucK.”
12. I’m a singer! I went to college for music and have been doing it professionally for sometime now.
I usually get, “Omg my granddaughter’s cousin’s niece is a singer! You guys should meet up!” Or, “sing something for us!!” And then if I don’t feel up to it they say “how can you be a singer if you don’t want to sing in front of people?” I love it. 🙃
13. “So, what’s the matter with you?”
“You tell me, you’re the doctor!”
14. So you can give me the good stuff eh? Wink wink nudge nudge eh?
I’m a nurse not a cocaine dealer, also yes.
15. Waiter here. “Can I get you guys anything else?” “Yeah, a boatload of cash!”
16. If I can’t fix a random-ass problem on someone’s PC, I get “so do I get a new one hurr hurr” so often it hurts.
17. “Are you a beauty school dropout?” When I tell people I went to beauty school and worked in hair salons.
18. Former camgirl/stripper here. “I married the wrong girl, don’t tell my wife.” Really, anything followed by don’t tell my wife. Like literally every other guy I gave a lapdance or had a private show with HURR MY WIFE WOULD CONSIDER THIS CHEATING LOL. Fuck you.
19. Pizza delivery. If you happen to pass by anyone else at all on your way to the customer, they will say, “You can just leave that right here ha ha ha.”
20. Stripper here. Our version is definitely: “How about I give YOU a lapdance!”
21. I work in a nursing home and sometimes we have a resident that is constantly trying to leave and go home, because they don’t remember that they live there. The on going joke is someone asking, “Can’t we just tie them to a chair?” (No, we cant. Just for those of you who actually think that’s an option.)
22. As a teacher: Oh, you can’t find my paper, must mean I get a 100% on it.
23. Paramedic here, I ALWAYS get the old ladies saying, “Oh! My taxi!” Or “You coming back for me later?”
24. “I just want a BLACK. COFFEE. None of this crap-u-she-no chocolate unicorn frap-aye glitter shit. Just a medium black COFFEE. I don’t care what size you call it but whatever’s MEDIUM I want THAT.”
25. I work in an office, and the boss often leaves me in charge if he’s away. I have one co-worker who, every time I’m covering, will arrive in the morning and say, “Hi boss! Since you’re in charge— can we all go home now? Hurr hurr.”
26. At Starbucks, we have categories and buttons for all the drinks.
When we get a new drink, there is a new button but no one tells us where the button is. It is either in with normal lattes or frappuccinos or it’s under the seasonal category on the opposite side of the screen.
So when a customer orders a new or special drink, we go on a wild goose chase for the button that seems to not exist. The customers will say, “Oh you can’t find it? How about you make it and just let me take it.” My boss just tells us to ring them up for a basic drink and make the special one until the button is added.
The button is never added.
27. Work in payroll and people like to joke with me to add a 0 at the end of their pay. I say I’ll do it, but put one of their middle numbers onto mine and it’s funny to see their gears turning.
28. Research chemist. “Can you make drugs hehehe?”
Yes, yes I absolutely can. No, I will not. Go away.
29. I used to be in the beer industry (selling to supermarkets) and I’d get “you can just load that pallet into my truck” every day.
30. Cake decorator here – people would come pick up their orders and jokingly tell me I spelled the name on the cake incorrectly. They would watch me get upset with myself and offer to fix it, then tell me they were just kidding.
31. “So can you come look at my car?” – Mechanical Engineer. I know nothing about cars.
32. Bike (bicycle) messenger. Every year during the Tour De France: “You’re lost buddy?” All fucking day long.
33. I work in the Deaf community and people always see the name of the charity I work for and say “Pardon?” then laugh like they’re the funniest person in the world. Little bit of my soul dies every frickin’ time.
34. Vet tech here. Whenever I take a patient’s temperature: “Aren’t you going to at least buy her dinner first?”
35. “Giving out any free samples today?”
Sir, if I did that, it’s a bank robbery.
36. As a church musician, I’ve heard things like:
“How does it feel to have the largest organ in town?”
37. I work in a call center. I have to ask “was there anything else I could help you with” at the end of the call.
-“Yes bring me a coffee with that.”
-“Make the sun shine again.”
-“Yeah. What’s your number you have a sexy voice.”
I just ignore them now and wish them a good day.
38. “Are you analyzing me now?” – Psychologist.
The true answer is almost always, I am too apathetic about you to care that much. At least when it isn’t a patient.
39. Administrative worker here, not from customers, but from literally anyone that doesn’t work in an office, “So you get paid to do nothing?”
40. Stocked shelves at a grocery store for a few months in college and some guy was angry because he had been in line for a few minutes and no one was there to ring him up. He found me and asked what was going on and I kindly told him I’d go grab a cashier to check him out and he goes, “No it’s fine, I can just leave with my stuff. I mean, I don’t have to pay if no ones gonna wait on me,” or something like that. I laughed sarcastically with a deadpan face and told a cashier there were customers waiting.
They didn’t pay me enough to stop him if he tried.