1. A man walks into a bar. As he sits down, he looks up and notices three pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the bartender “what’s with the meat?”
The bartender says, “If you can jump up and slap all three pieces at once, you get free drinks for an hour. If you miss even one, you have to pay for everyone else’s drinks for the rest of the night. Wanna give it a go?”
The man takes another look at the meat, then says, “I think I’ll pass. The steaks are too high.”
2. A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.
“Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!” he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered.
“Alright, I’m gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain’t back outside by the time I finish, I’m gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don’t like to have to do what I dun in Texas!”
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, “Say partner, before you go… what happened in Texas?” The cowboy turned back and said, “I had to walk home.”
3. A man walks into a bar with a bag and orders a drink.
After awhile, the bartender asks him, “What is in the bag?”
The man says, “Nothing, don’t worry about it”
The night continues and the bartender keeps asking but the man keeps giving him the same answer.
Towards the end of the night the bartender offers the man a free beer if the man shows him what is in the bag.
The man agrees.
He reaches into the bag and pulls out a tiny piano and a tiny man that sits down and starts playing the piano.
The bartender says, “Wow! That’s amazing! Where did you find they guy?”
The man looks up and says, “I have this magic lamp that grants me wishes, but the stupid thing is broken.”
The man then hands the bartender the lamp and says, “You can try it if you want.”
The bartender happily grabs the lamp and wishes for a million bucks and the room is suddenly filled with a million ducks.
“This thing is definitely broken!” says the bartender.
The man replies, “Tell me about it, do you really think I wished for a twelve inch pianist?”
4. A man walks into a bar, orders a drink. Downs it really quickly. Orders another. Downs that one too.
The bartender says “Hey, buddy, are you okay?”
The man says “No, honestly, I’m not. I wanted to surprise my wife, and… I caught her in bed with another man.”
The bartender says “Oh, man, that’s awful! What are you going to do?”
The man: “I’m gonna drink myself to death. I just want to die.”
Bartender: “That’s not what I’d do. If I caught another man with my wife, I’d kill the bastard.”
The man: “Hey, that’s it! Thanks!”
The man leaves, and comes back an hour later. The bartender asks “So, did you do it? Did you kill the guy?”
The man, big smile on his face, says “No, I fucked your wife.”
5. A guy walks into a bar and starts a drunken conversation with one of the patrons. “Hey what’re you drinking?” the patron asks. “Magic beer,” says the guy. After arguing about it for a few minutes the guy says, “I’ll prove it to you.”
They go outside and walk to a nearby cliff. The guy chugs his Magic Beer, then jumps off. Miraculously he floats back up and settles down next to the stunned patron.
The patron runs back to the bar and says to the bartender, “I want what he’s having!” pointing to the guy. The patron chugs his Magic Beer, runs over to the cliff and plummets to his death.
The guy walks back inside smiling and orders another beer. The bartender shakes his head and says, “You know, Superman, you can be a real asshole.”
6. A Roman walks into a bar, sticks two fingers up to the barman and says, “Five beers please.”
7. C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender, upon seeing them, says “sorry, we don’t serve minors.”
8. A guy walks into a bar owned by Eminem
He tells the bartender,”Give me 2 shots of…”
The bartender cuts him off saying,”You only get 1 shot.”
9. A rabbi walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says, “Where did you get that?” The parrot says, “Brooklyn, they’re everywhere!”
10. A ship captain walks into a bar, he has an eye patch and a peg leg, and also a ships wheel in his pants. The bartender asks “hey, does that eyepatch ever get itchy?”
“Nay, lad, now make with the grog” says the captain.
“What about that peg leg? It’s got to be annoying?”
“Nay again, lad, you get used to it.
“But that ship’s wheel in your pants…”
“Aye, it’s drivin me nuts!”
11. A guy walks into a bar and orders a shot.
“I’m celebrating my first blow job!” He says to the bartender.
“Congratulations,” says the bartender, “Here, have another one on the house.”
“No thanks,” the man declines, “If the first one didn’t get the taste out of my mouth, the second one won’t either.”
12. A priest, a rabbi and an imam walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What is this, some kind of joke?”
13. A bartender is sitting behind his bar when a well dressed but obviously intoxicated man stumbles in.
“Bartender! A drink for everyone, a drink for me, and a drink for yourself!” The man yells as he approaches.
Bartender pours all the drinks, the the whole bar cheers, they all drink. Bartender hands the bill to the man, and he just shrugs and says, “Oh I didn’t bring my wallet with me tonight, sorry.” The bartender proceeds to beat the living daylights out of the man and throws him out.
Next night, bartender is again behind his bar when the same well dressed but intoxicated man stumbles in.
“Bartender! A drink for everyone, a drink for me, and a drink for yourself!” The man happily announces as he approaches.
Bartender thinks: “This guy cant be that stupid, he probably came to pay. Now I feel bad for beating him so hard previous night.”
He pours all the drinks, the the whole bar cheers, they all drink. Bartender hands the bill to the man, and he again shrugs and says, “Oh I didn’t bring my wallet with me again, sorry.” The bartender proceeds to beat the man even harder and kicks him out.
Third night in the row, bartender just cant believe his eyes when he sees the man return.
“Bartender! A drink for everyone, and a drink for me!” The man calls out as he approaches.
Bartender is fuming and grins sardonically: “What, no drink for ME tonight?”
The drunk looks at him and says: “Nah man, you get way too violent when you drink.”
14. An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake…
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, ‘Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?’
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, ‘Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
The bouncer is a blonde girl with a ‘Billy-Club’.
I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
‘Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy… Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?’
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,
‘No… not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.’
15. A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads:
“Cheese Sandwich: $2.50
Chicken Sandwich: $3.50
Hand Job: $10.00”
He checks his wallet and says to the sexy bartender:
“Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?” he asks.
“Yes,” she purrs. “I am.”
“Well, wash your frickin’ hands,” says the man. “I want a cheese sandwich!”
16. A ghost walks into a bar, the bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve spirits.”
17. Guy walks into a bar, grabs a seat and orders a whiskey double, neat. The bartender prepares his drink with great delicacy and brings it right over.
The gentleman reaches into his blazer searching frantically. This catches the bartender’s attention so he monitors the patron out the corner of his eye. Finally the man finds what he’s looking for and sighs a sigh of relief.
He pulls out a straw and takes a sip of his whiskey. The perplexed bartender grabs his attention, “I’m terribly sorry sir, was your glass dirty?”
To which the man replies surprised, “Oh no no everything’s fine! I just promised my wife I’d never put my lips on another glass of whiskey again.”
18. A man walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm and says “A beer please! And one for the road!”
19. A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender: “I’ll have a Gin and… Tonic.”
The bartender asks, “Why the big pause?”
And the polar bear replies, “I don’t know, I’ve always had them.”
20. An Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman walk into a bar and begin drinking. Soon they noticed a large glass vase of gold coins in the corner and asked the barman what was it there for.
The Barman told then: “That there is the prize for anyone who can 1:Drink a full bottle of tequila in two minutes; 2:Go into that room over there with a lion inside and pull a thorn from the lions foot; 3: finally go upstairs and make love to a 100 year old woman.”
The Prize money was too much for the men to pass over so they agreed to try.
The Englishman goes first, but after only half the tequila he collapses drunk.
The Scotsman is next. He downs the tequila and staggers to the lions room. The door is closed and there is a massive scream and soon afterwards he stumbles back out of the room with his hand bitten off.
The Irishman drinks the tequila and stumbles towards the lions room. The door is closed behind him and almost immediately there are massive screams and shouts coming from behind the door, screams which last for nearly ten minutes… There is banging up against the sides of the door and everything and then silence. The Irishman emerges battered, bleeding and torn. “Now,” he says, “where is that lady with the thorn in her foot”
21. A man with authority walks into a bar. He orders everyone around.
22. An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, a Welshman, a Frenchman, a German, an Italian, a Swede, two Finns, a Norwegian, a Dane, a Greenlander, an Austrian, a Hungarian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Latvian, an Estonian, a Russian, a Turk, an Egyptian, a Palestinian, an Israeli, a Greek, a Macedonian, a Moldovan, a Chinese guy, a Japanese guy, a Laotian, a Vietnamese guy, a Cambodian, a North Korean, a South Korean, an American, a Mexican, a Canadian, a Brazilian, an Australian, a New Zealander, a South African, a Libyan, a Moroccan, a Spaniard and a Cuban try to walk into a fancy cocktail bar.
The bouncer says, ‘Sorry, lads… you can’t come in without a Thai.’
23. A man walks into a bar and orders a drink.
A minute later he hears, “You look great. Have you lost weight?” He looks around, but there’s no one near.
Again, a minute later, he hears, “You know, you don’t look a day over 30.” Looks around again, no one but him and the bartender, so he asks, “Did you hear that?”
The bartender says, “It’s the peanuts. They’re complimentary.”
24. A blind man walks into a bar, then a table, then a chair…
25. Another one! A grizzled old sea captain walks into a bar. He has a peg leg, an eye patch, and a hook hand. The captain sits down and orders a drink. The bartender serves it, and asks the captain a question.
“If you don’t mind, how did you get that peg leg”
“I were chasing the white whale, laddy! Dangerous business!”
“Well, how did you get the hook hand?”
“Yar, had me a swashbuckling accident!”
“Wow! Well what about the eye patch”
“A seagull pooped in me eye.”
“What?” asks the bartender. “How did you lose your eye from seagull poop?”
“Yar, t’were me first day with the hook.”
26. A priest, a baptist and a rabbi walk into a bar and start getting sloshed.
They decide that they need to test their faith to see which one is the best. They decide the ultimate challenge is to see if they can convert a bear.
So the next day they all go out into the wood to try and meet up again at the bar that night.
The priest comes in with a broken arm and scratches all over his body and smilingly says: “I had to run around the bear and read him the entire Bible but he saw the light and he was converted.”
The baptist is on crutches with two broken legs and a broken arm and his head all bandaged. He says: “I had to wrestle that bear to the ground and baptize him in the stream but he saw the light and he was converted, hallelujah!”
Then the Rabbi gets wheeled in in a full body cast. He says: “Ya know, in retrospect, I probably shouldn’t have started with circumcision.”
27. An 80 year old blind man walks into a pub and sits at the bar.
He orders a pint and tells the landlord, “I’ve been blind for 50 years lad. My hearing’s perfectly attuned. I bet can tell you what’s happening in any room in this pub.”
“Oh really,” says the landlord, “go ahead then.”
The old man cups a hand round his ear, tilts his head to the ceiling and listens. “In your bathroom, upstairs, the one at the end of the corridor… a tap’s been left on.”
Skeptical, the landlord sends his nephew upstairs to check. His nephew returns and confirms the findings. “Could’ve been luck,” says the landlord, “Go on, try again…”
The old man cups his ear, tilts his head to the floor and listens. “In your cellar,” he says, “I can hear scurrying. You have a rat infestation.”
“You’re talking rubbish,” says the landlord, and sends his nephew to check. He returns and the old man is right, again!
Now intrigued, the landlord urges him to try again.
He cups a hand round his ear and listens to somewhere behind the bar. “Ah, in the storeroom down that corridor,” he says, “someone’s having at it in there right now”.
The nephew goes and checks the store room, and what d’ya know, he finds two of the bar staff shagging away in there.
“Bloody hell old man, you truly are incredible,” says the landlord, “what else can you hear?”
The old geezer hushes the landlord, places his head on the bar and listens for a while.
He lifts his head off the bar and says, “Yep, your beer pump is definitely out of action”.
The landlord checks the pump… “Ha! You’re wrong old man. It’s working perfectly!”
“Well then, where’s my fucking pint?”
28. A man walks into a bar and sits down, and orders a drink. Bartender says, “I’m sorry sir, you already seem very drunk, I cannot serve you.”
Guy gets up and leaves.
A few minutes later, he comes in again, sits down at the bar and tries ordering another drink.
“I’m sorry sir, but I cannot serve you because you already seem drunk. Please leave.”
Guy gets up, grunts and wanders off again through the same exit.
Another few minutes goes by and the same guy comes back in, sits down and tries to order yet another drink.
“SIR, I’VE ALREADY TOLD YOU NOW TWICE THAT YOU’RE TOO DRUNK AND I CANNOT SERVE YOU.”
Dude looks at the bartender all surprised and slurs:
“How many bars do you work at?!!!”
29. Two conspiracy theorists walk into a bar.
You can’t tell me that was just a coincidence, man.
30. An Irishman walks into a bar in New York City and orders three pints of beer. He drinks each one in turn, and walks out. The next night he returns, and again orders three pints of beer, and then again the next night. The bartender offers to serve them consecutively so they won’t go flat, but the Irishman explains, “I’d rather see them all lined up before me. I left two brothers behind in Ireland, and since we used to meet at the pub every night and have a pint together, I feel closer to them when I come drink my pint and their two.”
This goes on for a year, and then one night, the Irishman fails to come in. The regulars are concerned, and then saddened when he returns a few nights later and orders only two pints of beer. When the bartender serves him, he says, “I see you didn’t order a beer for one of your brothers. My condolences on your loss.”
“My brothers are still alive,” the Irishman says. “I didn’t order my own beer; my wife made me promise to give up drinking.”
31. A snake walks into a bar. …
The bartender says, “How the fuck did you do that?”
32. A man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey. When the barman serves it up, he takes it out to the bench in front of the bar to drink it.
As he’s enjoying his drink, a nun walks by, and glares at him sourly. “How can you pollute your soul with the Devil’s drink like that?” she asks.
The man shrugs. “It’s not the Devil, it’s just whiskey.”
“But it’s sinful and wicked!”
“How do you know it’s so bad, then? Have you ever tasted whiskey?”
“Of course not! My sisters and mother superior told me how evil drink is.”
“But how do they know? Have they ever had a drink?”
They go back and forth like this for a while, before at last, the nun relents. “Well, I suppose that if I were to try a sip of whiskey, I would better understand how it corrupts the soul. But it wouldn’t do for any of my sisters to come by here and see me drinking. Could you order me one in a teacup?”
The man agrees this is fair, and walks inside to the barman.
“Two whiskeys, but put one in a teacup, please.”
The barman slams his hand down on the bar and shouts, “Is that damn nun here again!?”
33. Give a man a duck and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to duck and he’ll never walk into a bar.