1. How easily I lose interest in people. I’m not someone who just dumps others but it’s like the second they fuck up I’m a goner.
2. Apathy. I have my “dream job” and my life is much better than it used to be on paper, but I struggle to drag myself out of bed some days.
3. My lack of confidence holds me back from doing anything.
4. How much alcohol I have to drink to express any emotion.
5. The ability to lie without skipping a beat. It’s scary how easy it is.
6. I cannot bring myself to talk to other people sometimes. I’ve missed out on giving important information to others just because I’m too nervous to go up to them.
7. I get bored in relationships easily. I’ve never made it longer than a year because I always get tired of the person and want someone different. Scares me that I’ll never find a wife or want to stay with them for the long haul.
8. Pushing people away. Whether due to social anxiety, a fight, or not keeping in contact. Either way I hate how easily I can get upset at people and then miss them after I burned the bridge.
9. I have no idea what I’m going to do with my life, I have no drive or inspiration to do anything. I’ve always been jealous of those kids who knew exactly what they wanted to be when they grow up and then achieved that goal.
10. The way I adapt my persona to the person I’m speaking to. I subconsciously pick up on details and feelings and immediately change my whole demeanor to make the good side of people so they think well of me and it gets harder for them to deny me. I only realized when a friend mentioned it, and I’ve had to go on a whole self discovery because I then realized I don’t know who I am, just who I am to others.
11. Too empathetic. Makes me a danger to myself.
12. That I can’t get friends for the life of me, ones to stay longer than 4 months at the very least.
13. I don’t think I’ll ever find love. Not that I’m not confident in myself, I’ve had girlfriends and stuff like that, but after a few months in a relationship I always find something I dislike. I don’t think there’s a perfect person out there for me, and if there is, I probably won’t find them.
14. I put too much pressure on myself, and constantly feel like I’m on the verge of my breaking point. But I’ve been doing well for myself lately and am starting to see results that I once could only ever dream of, and can’t find it in myself to stop or slow down.
I know it isn’t healthy or sustainable, but for the first time in my life I’m starting to feel accomplished, and I don’t want to lose that.
15. The fact that, when I really sit down and think about it, I can’t really see the point to life… not in a suicidal way, it just seems like in the grand scheme of things everything I do is insignificant and unremarkable and will be forgotten.
16. How little I feel things, especially happy or joyful things. I can’t remember the last time I was actually excited about something. I compare it to a really watered down drink. I know there’s alcohol in there, but I can barely taste it.
17. If I have one drink, I will inevitably lose an indeterminate number of days. The last time I drank it was six… six days that are just a complete and utter black hole in my memory. I guess it’s fortunate that I don’t appear to do anything other than lay in bed and drink, rather than, say, driving around and running over kids or something. But it’s still fucking terrifying to start drinking on Friday night and suddenly wake up the following Thursday surrounded by empty bottles. I don’t drink anymore.
18. I’m really critical about every single mistake I make. I could think about something for weeks and previously years/months. I used to shut down at little things, but I’ve been growing and I’ve been teaching myself that mistakes are something to learn from. I made rookie mistakes at work and was overly critical, but I’m telling myself I’m new, I’m ok, my life is ok and I still have a lot to learn. Making mistakes is ok and it’s how you learn.
19. I need constant attention or I get anxious and upset, but if I’m around people for too long I just want to be left alone. Great mix of personality traits right there.
20. How I can so easily put a fake smile on and say I’m okay. And how I don’t cry anymore.
21. My impulse control. It’s absolutely horrible. I want something? It’s mine. Whether it’s something to buy or to eat or whatever.
22. Sometimes I am not able to notice things that other people easily can in terms of being socially acceptable. I can easily be accidentally offensive or insensitive without realizing it, even after I am told what I did wrong. Some things I do that are “wrong” to the majority don’t make sense to me. It’s definitely gotten me into arguments with my family and my boyfriend.
23. I don’t feel any excitement for anything anymore, I’m not passionate about anything. I’m just kinda gliding through life.
24. My anxiety. It’s just this all powerful, self destructive monster within my own brain. I’m afraid it might be right about me not being smart enough to achieve my goals.
25. I’m too good at reading people I’m close to, I can lie and manipulate them without even really trying, and it terrifies me because I want to be a good person, and even when I try to manipulate for good it always makes me guilty.
26. My laziness being literally so bad, that even though I’m aware of it, the thought of improving sounds tiring to me.
27. I’m really shy. I believe I’m skilled but I never take the first step, I keep waiting for an opportunity to come to me because of my shyness and introverted character. I hate that about myself. I’m scared of being scared of any kind of interaction. I think too much before I do something. I’m trying to fix it but the hurdle just increases. I’m less shy to talk to my classmates and teachers, but now I have to prepare to talk to employers?? Feels impossible.
28. I have a tendency to hurt the people I care the most about with snide comments and “jokes” which I don’t even realize are hurtful until after.
29. My own mind and the stories it can make up about how people don’t like me, about how I’m a failure, and basically turn almost any small, innocuous thing into something big.
30. I’m so lonely. Sometimes I go so long without interacting with another human that I forget what my own voice sounds like.
31. My moods. I can be withdrawn, pissed, anxious, excited, pessimistic, optimistic, etc. and shift between each for no reason at all.
32. That I will never stop being the quote unquote ‘inferior’ one with my friends. I always feel that they talk over me and never give me a chance to speak.
33. I give up so easily. As soon as something becomes mildly challenging I seize up and want to run away from it.
34. The fact the I have so many dreams, goals, and ideas but have absolutely no drive to complete them, along with that my constant need to compare myself and work to others make me feel like I’ll just end up mediocre and I’m scared it will be true.
35. I tend to be mean/meaner to the people I love and super nice to strangers. I don’t know why. It really bothers me. I’ve been emotionally abusive at times. And I’m still disappointed in myself.
36. How easily I can cut people out of my life and generally don’t give a fuck about a lot of things.
37. The fact that I can suddenly and instantaneously remove any emotion from my thoughts or actions.
38. I’m lazy. I have friends, we go out together, I have fun with them. But every time I have to go out it’s almost a chore, even though I know I will have fun. It’s as if I live in the moment and don’t want to leave what was entertaining me. Be it my PC or phone or whatever, I know it’s better for me to go out, but the lazy part of me says, “Do we really have to go?” I hate this feeling. I hate being friends with someone I don’t feel like going out with, just because of my laziness.
39. Saying stupid things without thinking first and keep on going while being ignorant when someone’s trying to talk some sense into you.
40. People say I’m charismatic and I think that might be true. With nothing more than a few polite words, I can make strangers let me off the hook for things others wouldn’t normally get away with.
I’m naturally good with persuasion and I’m scared of what I might be capable of if I honed that skill and lost my morals.
41. Kleptomaniac tendencies, I have a small collection of useless things.
42. My constant need for adrenaline and excitement.
43. I can’t tell if I’m slightly narcissistic, or if I’m actually mostly surrounded by morons. Maybe both.
44. How easily I’m willing to subject myself to things that are bad for me.
45. My extreme lack of anger management. I feel like one day I’m just going to snap and somebody that doesn’t deserve it gets my wrath. Thank god it hasn’t happened yet though.
46. My memory is going. Badly. Badly enough that they can see it on MRI. I’m worried I have dementia on the way. I have a visit with the psychologist I see about my memory tomorrow.
47. I miss being depressed and miserable. I miss being self destructive. I have a bunch of things going for me now. A good relationship. Steady okayish income. A nice place.
Yet I miss being a lonely loser that just played games all day. Slept during the day and was awake at night took part in various harming habits.
Sometimes I see people having a rough time and I envy them. There is some comfort in that misery. If I feel randomly depressed here and there. I feel like I’m at home.
But it’s probably just a side effect of having been depressed for the vast majority of my life. I got so used to it that I feel uncomfortable and unsafe when things are going smoothly. When there’s routine. When people want to meet me and so on.
Sometimes I worry that I’ll call back into that. Not because of circumstances. But by choice.
48. I know what I need to do to change my life and I’m not doing it because I’m afraid. I’ve lost too many years because of fear and I’m terrified that I’ll never be any different.
49. I genuinely don’t like facets of my friends and despise them for it. I find myself tolerating more than enjoying time with the people around me.
50. Honestly, my mood swings. I never learned how to manage my anger as a kid, and was punished every time I broke one of my hand-me-down toys. Or if I even just looked upset. As an adult, it’s even more upsetting because I’m supposed to know by now how to control myself. Sometimes I’ll get so angry that my vision starts shifting around.