1. Sloths spend 90% of their lives motionless, which means they are slightly more productive than you.
2. Mosquitos are as insignificant and unimportant as you but at least people notice when they’re around.
3. Female praying mantises often eat the head of the male after sex. It must be reassuring to know if you were a praying mantis you’d live to a ripe old age.
4. The fact that jellyfish have survived for 600 million year without a brain gives you hope.
5. Female dragon flies will pretend to be dead in order to avoid unwanted male advances, I bet you can relate, huh?
6. A blue whales penis is 12 inches in diameter and 10 feet long making it the worlds second largest dick, after you!
7. I’ve seen ostriches with better calves than you.
8. It’s a common misconception that moths are attracted to light. Moths navigate by light and they’re perpetually confused by artificial light; people are attracted to your gaudiness, they’ll orbit around you as if they’re enthralled. But like the moth’s perspective, you only look pretty from a distance.
9. The Mayfly has a lifespan of just 24 hours. I never thought I could envy them, until I met you.
10. An opossum sleeps 18 hours of the day and still manages to be less of a waste of time than you.
11. You fuck like a Panda.
12. Some people say the Cheetah is the fastest animal. Some say it is the Peregrine Falcon. But every girl I know say it is you in the bedroom.
13. Your mind is screwier than a duck’s penis.
14. You’re doing an amazing job of showing up turtles. They can only breath out their ass, you can have a whole conversation.
15. You have the same amount of chins that a cow has stomachs.
16. Are you a donkey? Because you look like an ass.
17. I would insult your mom but cows are sacred in my country.
18. Cockroaches are able to survive the radiation generated by atomic bombs, which explains how you’re still around despite every relationship you’ve ever been in going nuclear.
19. You know, beached whales usually die on the shore. I’m surprised you made it this far inland.
20. If you were in a sandbox, my cat would try to bury you.
21. You murdered the conversation/joke so well that vultures already flock to the stink.
22. I wish you were like the luna moth, born without a mouth and going to die very soon.
23. I would hit you, but that would be animal abuse.
24. Insulting you by calling you a pig would be an insult to the pigs.
25. You are both a living proof we have evolved from apes and a cautionary tale that we can devolve back.
26. Horses cannot vomit, but Im sure looking at you makes them want to.
27. An ostrich’s eyes are bigger than it’s brain… so you’re not the only one dumbass!
28. You’ve had fewer sexual partners than a monogamous penguin.
29. You look how a skunk stinks.
30. You’ve got about as much spine as a cephalopod.
31. You’re an example of why animals eat their young.
32. What are you going to do for a face when the baboon wants his ass back?
33. You are dumber and more syphilitic than a koala.
34. Chameleons developed camouflage to hide from prey is a common misconception. They actually saw your face and needed to hide from that abomination.
35. Red back spiders webs are special in the sense that they can act as a tripwire and lure prey similar to how you lure friends and then stab them in the back when they least expect it.
36. You are nuttier than squirrel shit.
37. You have the spine of hagfish, the brain of a sea cucumber and the personality of a pearlfish.
38. Slugs have four noses, meaning they would probably die if they got close enough to smell your bullshit.
39. The male angler fish lives it’s life attached to the female, serving as a living reproductive organ. I thought about asking it what it’s like being a ballsack, but then I remembered I could just ask you.
40. An elephant would forget you.
41. And here I thought the platypus was the only duck faced, poisonous mammal.
42. The average length of a Gorilla’s erect penis is less than 3/4 of the length of your thumb, they impress potential mates with their muscular mass unlike other primates; i can finally understand why you spend so much time in the gym now.
43. You spread more shit than a hippo’s tail.
44. You’re like a possum, you look horrifying but at the end of the day you’re a pussy who will play dead when push comes to shove.
45. You spread your opinion like a Hippopotamus does its dung. However, your opinion is far less pleasant.
46. Not even a dog would love you.
47. The average elephant new born weighs around 200-250 pounds, making them one of the biggest babies on earth right after your bitch ass.
48. Norway knighted a penguin, what have you done with your life?
49. A female hyena probably has a bigger dick that you.
50. I can’t trust a thing you say, you’ve got more faces than Wombat crap.