1. I’d give the signal. My son would start screaming. I’d say, “Sorry, my son is on fire.” And hang up.

2. I always “sell’ what ever they are selling for a living… Need your ducts cleaned? Oh, I own a duct cleaning business… Need lawn care? Oh, I own a landscaping company… Water filter? Oh, I own a water store. Shuts them up.

3. I usually try to say something that would bewilder them. Same goes for people on the street. For example:

Them: Can I interest you in the chance to win £500?

Me: Oh, nah. I’ve got loads of money.

4. When they ask me if I want to hear about their product I say, “Sure, but first let me tell you about our lord and savior Jesus Christ.”

5. Answer the call with, “Hello caller, you’re on the air!”

6. My favorite way is the way Jerry Seinfeld did it in one episode.

T: “Hello I was wanting to see if you’re interested in purchasing (blank)?”

J: “Yeah that sounds great, but I’m actually really busy at the moment. Can I get your name and home phone number and I can call you later tonight?”

T: “Sir, we cant do that.”

J: “Why not? You don’t want random people calling you all day?”

T: “Well, no.”

J: “Well now you know how I feel.”

Hang up.

7. I usually just draw on my inner 9 year old and scream like I just got kicked off the x-box.

8. When you get a call from a number you don’t recognize, answer and if they ask for your name, ask them who they are first. If they are a telemarketer, tell them you are deceased and start crying. They will take you off their call list.

9. I consistently say, “I’m under 18 (I’m not) and I’m going to call the police,” and hang up. 100% success rate and the only time they’ve called back is to ask me not to call the police.

10. I used to work in a call centre and I vividly remember when one customer told my co-worker that he was a cop and that he just got involved in a crime case for calling. Asking for his information etc it scared TF out of him lmao dude was just trolling.

11. Answer the phone in a normal voice and go along with what they say for minute, then suddenly exclaim, “OH MY GOD NO! NO STAY BACK, KEEP AWAY FROM ME, I’M SORRY I’LL GET IT FOR YOU I SWEAR,” and then drop the phone.

12. Joes morgue you bag em’ we tag em’ what can I do you for?

13. I just tell them that I’m Amish and my religion doesn’t allow me to have whatever it is they’re selling. It’s a great excuse because even though they know that I’m most likely not Amish (because they have me on the phone) questioning a religion would be an asshole move. Trying to push me to use a product against my religion would be an asshole move. Basically, it pushes them into a corner where 99% of their usual responses would make them look like complete assholes, while allowing me to stay polite the whole time.

14. If it’s a scam call, I always ask them what they tell their parents they do for a living.

“Do your parents know you steal money from old ladies for a living?”

“Are your parents proud of you for being a thief?”

15. I get calls all the time for companies trying to install solar panels on my roof. The Caller ID always comes up with something like “SUN CITY” or “SOLAR SOLUTIONS.” When I see those, I usually answer with: “Hello, we already have solar panels, how can I help you?” They usually just respond with something like, “Ah, have a nice day, then,” and hang up.

If it’s not solar panels, it’s for exterminators. Them, I tell that I’m an ultra vegan who refuses to kill any living creature, and shame on them for their wanton slaughter of innocent insects.

16. “Would you please proceed to have coitus with yourself?”

17. I play Mary Had A Little Lamb w/ the number pad: 3-2-1-2-3-3-3-2-2-2-3-3-3-3-2-1-2-3-3-3-2-2-3-2-1, they usually hang up somewhere in there.

18. I got a call once asking for my wife. I asked who they were and they said “This is x, with herbal green vitamins.” I told her that my wife died. The lady started to apologize so I told her that she took some green vitamin and it killed her.

19. I tell them to hang on a second. I’ll hit redial on the last telemarketer I got and add them to the call. Then I just hang up and let the two of them try to sell stuff to each other for the next minute.

20. Have your own sales pitch ready. “Hey, you know what? I’m glad you called so we can share this time together. Speaking of sharing time, have you heard of a timeshare?”

21. If you have access to a toddler, give the phone to the toddler and tell them that the nice person on the phone wants to hear all about their day.

22. My dad once got a call from a clearly scammy dental insurance company. He just yelled in the most twangy voice possible “I ain’t got no teeth!” They immediately hung up.

23. Pretend to be really stressed out and say animal noises calm you down and ask them to make animal noises. Then start clapping and breathing louder. When they stop say “I’m almost there”. They won’t call again.

24. My mom answers the phone, “Sheriff’s department, fraud division.”

Immediate dial tone on the other end.

25. I usually pretend that I’m an old man rambling in Spanish and arguing with his wife.

26. When I was little, I was addicted to Animal Planet. When a telemarketer called, my dad would put me on the phone with them to tell them facts about animals until they hung up.

27. When they say that “This conversation will be recorded” tell them you’re not allowing it.

28. Basically just ask them things that have no meaning.

So tell me, can your dishwasher do 60 mph on the FDR drive?

Do you know how many wheels of cheese it takes to make a 20th scale replica of Hoover Damn?

Did you know that raccoons like to bathe in the blood of the vanquished?

29. Just keep putting them on hold. That usually messes with their call stats too and hopefully they won’t be thrilled to call you back.

30. “Thank you for calling Barbecue Bill’s morgue, you kill em, we grill em! What can I do for you?”

Some laugh and hang up, some just hang up, one legend went with it and said he had 3 bodies for me. It’s always depressing when it’s a robocall though

31. My brother would just say, “You sound hot. Are you hot?” whether it was a woman or a man. Subtle, yet effective.

32. I run a charity and I tell them all about it and launch into my please donate speech. No one has donated, but a bunch of people have hung up on me.

33. “I’ve heard you’ve been in an accident that wasn’t your fault.”

My two quick replies…

“I KNEW IT WASN’T MT FAULT! Let me ring my mum and I’ll ring you right back!

Omg you guys are quick! I’m still in the fucking car!

34. “What’s your favorite scary movie?” In a creepy voice.

35. I usually play loud porn sound effects.

36. I always like to go along with them, but slowly and subtly intertwine stupid stuff into my story. I had one of those ones where they ask if you’ve been in a car accident that wasn’t your fault and I ended up telling them a story about my grandmother deliberately running me over with a tractor.

37. Just say “yes” to everything. It freaks them out.

38. As if they just decided to call you for fun. Dude, ask them their favorite song, play it on youtube and leave it alone until they hang up. They are people doing a job just like you.

39. Because the always seem to call when you just sit down to eat – “what time is your lunch break? I’ll call you back then”

40. One time this guy called the house 5 times. My mom knew from experience that if you unplug the house phone the other person hears this deafening screech, he didn’t call again.

41. I always just say I’m 16. Figured this out when I actually was 16. Not only do they immediately give up, but you also get removed from all of the call lists.

42. “Hey hold on I’ll be right back” puts phone down “OH NOBODY JUST SOME DICKHEAD IM GONNA SEE HOW LONG I CAN KEEP THIS ASSHOLE ON THE LINE!”

43. I listen intently ask questions and be polite. Then ask ridiculous questions or answer the phone and start babbling nonsense in French (really it’s just strings of French words together – think Scary Movie 4 style)

If they are persistent I will blow whistles or have resorted to air horns but only after asking once or twice not to call me back.

44. If I suspect the number of being a telemarketer, I always answer the phone with the following: “Koffman’s Semen Repository. You spank it, we bank it! This is Kieth. How may I help you?”

Most of the time, they just hang up. I have had some ask if they were calling a business. My answer to that is always yes.

45. “Fuck off.”

46. In Canada? Tell them to put you on their “do not call” list, they’re obligated by law. If they EVER call you back, you can sue them for harassment.

47. “Hello, I am calling from duct cleaning”

“We don’t have ducks, we have chickens”

48. I like to keep them on the phone for as long as I possibly can. Every minute they’re on the phone with me is another minute they aren’t scamming someone else.

49. When they are not allowed to hang up first say this: “Here, chat with my Grandma”. Tell Grandma it’s some long lost relative. Extra points if Grandma has dementia.

50. Answer the phone and just don’t say anything.