1. If you were a spice, you’d be flour.
2. You’re so ugly, you couldn’t even arouse suspicion.
3. You’re like the first slice of bread in the packet, everyone touches you but no one wants you.
4. You’re as sharp as a rubber ball.
5. Me: Singing along to Fleetwood Mac.
Friend: Who sings this?
Me: Fleetwood Mac.
Friend: Yeah, let’s keep it that way…
6. If you had a brain cell, it would die of loneliness.
7. Here, I gift you this plant to carry around with you. To make up for all the oxygen you waste.
8. You look like a video game character whose face hasn’t loaded all the way yet.
9. So, I was listening to this couple argue. The girl was being so shitty and immature that it started to draw in attention from more than just me.
Anyway, the guy finally interrupts her to say “I AM NOT A PEDOPHILE, SO STOP ACTING LIKE A GODDAMN CHILD!”
10. David Letterman: I’m not as dumb as I look
Tina Fey: How could you be?
11. You have the moral backbone of a chocolate eclair.
12. That guy couldn’t score in a brothel.
13. You may not be the dumbest person on Earth, but you better hope he doesn’t die.
14. One of New Zealand’s Prime ministers (I think it was in the 80s) once said that people who moved from New Zealand to Australia were raising the IQs in both countries.
15. You seem to be suffering from delusions of adequacy.
16. You’re not that pretty to be this stupid.
17. Of course I didn’t come here to insult you – I don’t need to be NEAR you to insult you.
18. You are the load your mom should have swallowed.
19. It’s impossible to underestimate you.
20. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
21. I envy everyone who hasn’t met you.
22. It smells like something is burning, ___ are you trying to think again?
23. If you had two brains you would be twice as stupid.
24. If ugly was a day, you’d be a month.
25. You wanna sex-related joke? Look in a mirror.
26. You’re the reason why tubes of toothpaste have instructions on them.
27. If he was any more inbred, he’d be a sandwich.
28. Your secret is safe with my indifference.
29. Next time you cross the road, don’t bother looking.
30. If laughter is medicine, your face must be curing the world.
31. I don’t have the time or the crayons to explain this to you.
32. Somewhere out there is a tree tirelessly producing oxygen so you can breathe. I think you owe it an apology.
33. I had a wet dream about you. You got run over by a bus and I pissed myself laughing
34. I hope your fingers change into fishing hooks, and you get an itch in your balls.
35. If brains were dynamite, you wouldn’t have enough to blow your nose.
36. This squid is so raw I can still hear it telling SpongeBob to fuck off.
37. You’d struggle to pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
38. I hope your day is just as pleasant as you are.
39. Does your ass ever get jealous of all the crap that comes out of your mouth.
40. When I first grew my hair out in high school, someone said to me: “Did your barber die?”
41. When Chevy Chase hosted SNL during season 2, he got into a fight with Bill Murray. Reportedly while being held back by fellow cast mates, Murray fired off calling Chase a “medium-talent”
It took me a bit to realize the realness of that burn – calling him talentless is clearly emotional and untrue, but calling him mediocre/flash in a pan…fuck, wish I was so composed while angry.
42. One of the two of us is dumber than me.
43. You continue to meet my expectations.
44. Climb back in your mum and cook a little longer.
45. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s really hard to pronounce.
46. You’re as useful as Anne Frank’s drum kit.
47. I’m very skinny and my arms are noodles so my friend told me, “You look like Steve Rogers without the serum.”
48. If you gave him an enema, you could bury whats left of him in a matchbox.
49. In a dumb criminals book: A flasher came in to a laundromat and exposed himself. A lady points and laughs and says: “Look! It looks just like a penis only smaller.” And kept on laughing.
50. I love the line Lord Farquaad says to Shrek:
“It’s rude enough being alive when no one wants you.”