1. You live in a neighborhood that is described as “up and coming” by real estate brokers and Craigslist ads. However, you’re starting to seriously wonder if your neighborhood will ever fucking come. So far, there’s one organic grocery store and 10,000 bullet holes.
2. You are lost in the k-hole of vague relationships. Text messages make you cry on a monthly basis. Boys will never commit to anything besides five minutes inside your vagina.
3. You pop the occasional Adderall to work and the occasional Klonopin when you fly and/or feel lingering feelings of anxiety. You keep your pills in a chic pill box and realize that you’re a cliche. Drugs you would never do: meth and heroin. DUH.
4. You’re obsessed with your parents and can’t fathom a time when you hated their guts.
5. You identify as being “in a good place” or in “an emotional rut.” You are rarely euphoric but maybe that’s because you’re good at sabotaging your own happiness.
6. You can’t afford a shrink so reading your horoscope will have to do.
7. You accidentally spent your last six dollars on a slice of vegan pizza.
8. You constantly oscillate between being a pushover and acting like a complete selfish brat.
9. You wonder when making the right decision will feel more… right.
10. Bad things still feel good.
11. The root of most of your unhappiness is that you constantly feel lonely. What you fail to realize is that the reason why you’re lonely is because you’re self-obsessed. Narcissism can be VERY isolating.
12. You haven’t stopped getting too drunk and on Saturday and Sunday mornings, you reside in a cave of your own shame.
13. Your body is starting to change AKA get fatter but you’re too lazy to do anything about it. You wonder what it’ll take for you to work out. Cankles?
14. You wonder if you’ll ever be able to buy a house or a retire but you know the odds are slim.
15. You have an opinion about Lena Dunham that EVERYBODY NEEDS TO HEAR RIGHT NOW.
16. You feel profoundly inept but also very special?
17. You want everyone to like you, even if you don’t like anyone.
18. Your happiest moments have nothing to do with the internet.
19. You tell everyone you’re a grandma, that you never go out, but you’re mostly bullshiting. You rage — just in a different way than you used to.
20. You see the guy who works at the corner store more than you see most of your friends.
21. You flake out on everything and for no good reason. You are more likely to attend a football game than you are a friend’s birthday party. WHY?
22. You don’t know how to mail a package but you can find out everything there is to know about your ex’s new GF in 20 minutes.