1. You deserve a guy who will get another roll of toilet paper from the hallway closet when the toilet paper’s out in the bathroom, even though he doesn’t use as much toilet paper as you do.
2. You deserve a guy who will put the toilet seat down, not because it’s courteous to you, but because the toilet looks ridiculous when the seat’s up and you both want your bathroom to look not ridiculous.
3. You deserve a guy who will be like, “I respect you’re on your period, but you’re freaking out right now over nothing” and you’ll be like, “yes I am freaking out right now about nothing, but can you just shhhhhhhhhhhh and let me live my Worst Life right now?” And he’ll leave the room and come back with pizza.
4. You deserve a guy who will run out to get you tampons, sure, but you also deserve a guy who will be like, “Wait a second, why am I always expected to get your tampons? Are you physically incapable of procuring your own tampons? You can go to Happy Hour with Veronica, but you can’t stop at a CVS to get yourself tampons? Come on, girl.”
5. You deserve a guy who will, if you ask him if you look fat in that dress, will do nothing because you would never ask him that. You actually love and respect your body no matter what size it is and you tend to attract guys who feel the same way about your body, therefore you feel no need to ask them if you look fat in that dress because, even if you do look fat in said dress, you probably also look hot as fuck.
6. You deserve a guy who will push back on you when you’re being an insufferable, irrational tyrant and who will expect you to push back on him when he’s being the exact same.
7. You deserve a guy who will go get you medicine when you’re sick and he deserves a girl who will do the exact same for him, because you both are total babies when you’re sick.
8. You deserve a guy who will honor his commitments and keep his promises because he’s a decent human being and that’s the lowest common denominator of what a person deserves from the human they are committed to.
9. You also deserve a guy who will expect the same from you and you’ll both be like, we’re in this thing for real, so let’s not either of us fuck it up by doing something stupid.
10. You deserve a guy who you can sit on the couch with and he’ll do his own thing while you do your own thing and then every once in a while, he’ll pick his head up and smile at you and you’ll mouth “I love you” because he has his headphones on and he’ll mouth it back and then you’ll both go back to whatever you were doing.
11. You deserve a guy who will be like, “Should we have sex tonight?” And you’ll say, “nah” and he’ll say, “yeah me either honestly I feel a little bloated from dinner.”
12. You deserve a guy who will totally respect and accept you… just as long as you totally respect and accept him.
13. You deserve a guy who will not be a cliché, caricature of masculinity because you’re not a cliché, caricature of femininity. You’re both doing you and it’s a partnership and neither of you are being these annoying versions of yourselves that the world has told you to be. It’s fucking great.
14. You deserve a guy who knows how to make bomb-ass tacos. (Or something else equivalent to bomb-ass tacos, like bomb-ass eggs or, oooooh, bomb-ass waffles! Bomb-ass hot dogs! Writer’s note: I’m hungry now.)
15. You deserve a guy who will do and say shit that actually makes you feel like he really thinks you’re the dopest person he knows. He deserves someone who makes him feel that way, too.
16. You deserve a guy who will do what he can to get you off BECAUSE THAT IS JUST POLITE MANNERS FOR FUCK’S SAKES.
17. You deserve a guy who will fill the stupid ice cube trays if he USES UP ALL THE STUPID ICE!!!!!!
18. You deserve a guy who will either cook dinner or do the dishes from the dinner you cooked. Whoever cooks does not have to do the dishes ever. That is just science.
19. You deserve a guy who will do the laundry or vacuum or replace a lightbulb or take the trash out or do whatever the hell he wants to do because I’m sure you guys have talked this out considering you’re in an adult relationship where household chores are not divided up by which genitals each person has.
20. You deserve a guy who will not propose to you on Valentine’s Day because that shit is tacky.
21. You deserve a guy who would be super chill if you proposed to him or maybe you guys don’t need to have this big pressure about the perfect proposal and were just like, “hey, we love each other forever, let’s get married.”
22. You deserve a guy who will love you unconditionally… unless you’re The Worst and then he can feel free to break up with you. It’s a two-way street, yo. You deserve as much as you give.
23. You deserve a guy who will cry and express emotion and have feelings because he’s a human. You deserve a guy who’s a human being, honestly. A decent one, at that! Everyone should just be decent and then deserve each other. Good plan? Okay, great! Ready? Break! 
