1. We are great friends. If ever a friend needs advice on anything at all, we are there to analyze with them, think with them, and generally try to solve all their life’s problems. This is our moment to shine, to put our skills to some use for the greater good of humanity (finally)! If one of our friends is having love life issues –this is our moment!– because we will spend hours and hours (and hours!) analyzing text messages… and honestly? Truly enjoying the hell out of it.
2. There is no one on this planet more considerate than we are. No one! We are so worried about having to overanalyze our own behavior that we will accommodate anyone, be kind to everyone, and basically be the shining example of considerateness. We don’t like when others are inconsiderate to us (and god knows we’ve thought about those transgressions for hours on end), so the least we can do is pay consideration forward forever and ever until we die (probably of a brain aneurism, to be honest).
3. Simply to spare ourselves the struggle that would be disappointing someone, we are impeccably reliable. No waiting around for us to show up, nope, we will be there, probably ten minutes earlier than you, just so we don’t have to spend the following three days analyzing how we made you feel when you had to wait five minutes for us to show up.
4. It’s not that everything we do is because we don’t want others to dislike us, but the time we spend overanalyzing other people’s behavior (as well as our own) makes it so we can’t un-know what we know about humans. We know how to treat people well, so we do that.
5. Not to brag or anything, but we’re really smart. At this point, our thinking process is art form status. This brain never shuts off and that means we have well-formulated opinions on any number of topics that we are ready to discuss right this minute, right now, please let us use our brains!
6. We are prepared. Did we spend last night imagining all the directions in which this meeting/presentation/date could go in? Yes. Are we prepared for every single one? You’re damn right we are.
7. We are beyond understanding; we’re straight up all in your feelings, feeling them for you. There is no person that will have more empathy than we have, because we have been there and then we’ve been there a hundred more times as we relive what happened in our minds on constant repeat forever and ever until we die, I guess?
8. We might be the best boyfriends or girlfriends, because we spend so much time analyzing our relationship that we have a bullet-point list of how to be better lovers going at pretty much any moment of the day. Are we still thinking about that disagreement we had with you a month ago? Yeah, we are. Are we thinking of ways to avoid that disagreement and to make things better for the relationship as a whole (partly because we love you, but partly because we just want to free our brains)? Yep. We are. We’re pretty awesome like that.
9. We will stimulate the hell out of anyone’s brain. Thinking, talking, discussing, conversing, these are our erogenous zones and if someone can tap into those in a stimulating way? “You had me at: ‘what do you think?’” is the last thing we’ll say before these clothes are coming off.
10. Despite what this list implies, we are wildly unsure of ourselves (hence, the overanalyzing!) and, while sometimes that insecurity can be annoying, it actually pushes us to be better at everything. We’re constantly thinking of ways to improve ourselves and the lives of others, so basically, we are saving the world one overactive brain at a time, so you’re welcome, world. You’re so very welcome.