1. Food prep
You know you’ve plopped directly into your late 20s when someone’s Instagram’d picture of a week’s worth of food prep for real makes you envious.
2. Local, organic vegetables
What is our late 20s if not a never-ending montage of us going to Farmer’s Markets, then chopping up an endless supply of vegetables and packing them into tupperware that we then organize into our refrigerators all before noon?
3. Owning a Vitamix
One day, we all collectively woke up and thought, “You know what my life needs more of? Something that can both pulverize produce and make hummus!” Sure, we spent the $600 on it, use it only for green smoothies we could have made in a normal, much cheaper blender, but there’s the promise of soups… hummus… almond butter… and just knowing we have an appliance that can give us those things, well, it keeps the hope for liquid foods alive.
4. Professional cleaning
Think about how amazing it would be if someone gifted you a year’s worth of professional cleaning services. Are you turned on right now? I’ll give you a minute alone.
5. Having a preference on wine
Long are the days of saying this in a restaurant: “Yeah, I’ll have white wine. What kind? Oh, whatever cheapest wine you have that is also white?” This is us now: “Is the sauvignon blanc dry? Like, how dry? I like my wine really dry.” We are incredibly fun at restaurants!
It’s like we got into our late 20s and all our aches and pains were intensified and we thought, “You know what would make me feel better? A complete stranger rubbing oil all over my body in silence for 60 minutes!”
7. Credit card points
We spent enough money with one credit card that they were like, “Here, thanks for your loyalty to keeping that debt high! We’ve used the money you’re giving us for your interest to make you think it’s a free night at a Marriott. You’re welcome.”
When the historians look back on our generation they will be like, “They had a lot of brunch.”
9. Going to bed before midnight
Ain’t nobody got time to be out all night.
10. Rewatching shows/movies from our childhood
…and feeling that we connect with and relate to the adults more than the main characters. Mr. Belding was a rational guy who was just trying to keep his school in check. Zack Morris was a goddamn tyrant. No wonder Belding was pissed off all the time. SOLIDARITY, BELDING. Solidarity.
11. Non-ironically enjoying music from the 90s
I mean, our brains have forgotten all the timetables, but we remember the lyrics to every single song that *N SYNC ever created, so, all in all, we’re doing great.
12. Getting health benefits
When we were in college, the perks of a dream workplace were things like, a ping pong table, catered lunches, and office parties with open bars. Now it’s like, DENTAL! VISION! $10 COPAY!
13. Sitting down at concerts
If someone gave us free tickets to, say, Adele, but that shit is general admission without seating? NOT GOING!
14. Having a “productive” weekend
Sure, when we were younger, a weekend was never complete without an “epic” story to tell on Monday morning. Now? The most “epic” story we have to tell people is how we got so! much! shit! done! this! weekend! We prepped a meal in the slow cooker, cleaned our entire apartment, organized our closet, and even found time to get our car washed.
15. Having a morning routine
We’re waking up early, cooking eggs, exercising, exfoliating in the shower, meditating, we are killing it at morning routines that just, you know, really give our day a pleasant start.
Watching TV for entertainment? No, we would prefer to learn about the ways in which our world is completely screwed and then feel helpless about changing it. What a fun nighttime activity this is!
17. Throwing Martha Stewart levels of nice dinner parties
Placemats! Runners! Two kinds of glasses (one for water and one for wine)! Fabric napkins! Napkin holders! Candles! Fresh flowers! Beautifully decorated table ready hours before guests arrive? HANDLED.
18. Needing our “own space”
We get into our late 20s and suddenly we cannot be bothered to put on pants for anything except for going out in public. Roommates are out, everyone but yourself, a pet, or a significant other are out. We are almost thirty and we will not be wearing pants anymore!
19. Grain alternatives
When’s the last time a person in their late 20s cooked something as basic as “pasta”? You’ll never hear of it! We are busy making quinoa, bulgur, spaghetti squash, a pizza crust from cauliflower. Arrivederci, Bertolli, your cheap blue boxes of pasta did us proud in college, but we’re moving on.
What’s better than going to West Elm and purchasing a new headboard? Building a headboard ourselves, that’s what!
21. Anna Kendrick
She is our spirit animal, the end, period, HARD STOP.
22. Treating pets like children
You’re not in your late 20s until you receive a Christmas card from a friend that has a picture of them with their significant other and their two cats. This is like the defining picture of our generation.
23. Wondering aloud to anyone who will listen when “adulthood” is going to kick in
Is there ever a point in which we are going to feel grown? Because, we still feel like we are kids trapped in older people’s bodies.
24. Telling the truth
Show up to hang out with your friends like, “I’M SAD TONIGHT CAN WE JUST LISTEN TO LANA DEL REY ON REPEAT UNTIL I CRY IT OUT?”